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 Am I losing the plot or what!?!

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Briar Spirit

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Age : 49
Location : England UK
Registration date : 2012-08-30

PostSubject: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:23 am

As I told Kyle in another topic here, my sole surviving relative in the UK passed away on Friday last, my younger brother actually, he died of a massive heart attack.

Aside from the mixed emotions this obviously stirs up in one, we were distant to say the least, he disowned me, related to personal 'medical' issues that I don't want to go into right now, sufficed to say it's related to why I can't handle going outside and being around too many people at once. Although he disowned me I have never stopped loving him or thinking about him fondly, I spoke of him often with my Mrs and our elder daughter, he might not have liked me but I loved him very deeply, the news of his death has made a mess of my head to be honest, I don't know if I'm coming or going right now, I keep laughing hysterically then crying like a baby, I'm a mess over this.

Thing I am not understanding is my brother made it known he didn't want me at his funeral, what the hell is that all about, who the heck writes in their will not to have their own brother at their funeral, I feel like I am totally losing the plot.
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sonarman

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Age : 36
Location : Hampton Roads Va
Registration date : 2012-08-21

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:51 am

You are a very good Brother Kirk, I know that for a fact. I cannot answer your question other than it is way over the top about not wanting you at the funeral, only a decision that could have been made in good health and in anger. I am sorry for your loss.
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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:57 am

There is no limit to hatred. As you see.

The best you can do is not adopt it yourself.

It's totally OK to feel all those things. And they don't all have to make sense or seem congruent, either. They're all real, they're all OK, and they'll all settle down in time.

It isn't about YOU. It's the effect that blind hatred can have ON you.

IOW, it's about his choice. Not a reflection of you. Because it wasn't a two-handed game. His choice was unilateral. You probably stopped being an actual human being to him long ago, replaced by a caracature in his imagination. He wasn't considering you. Only having his own way.

So I see it, anyway, FWIW.

What a Face
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alfredo_buscatti

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Age : 62
Location : Piedmont, North Carolina
Registration date : 2007-12-17

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:22 pm

I think Yak said it very well. I wish your life would stabilize. Whatever your brother meant isn't pertinent.
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dshpipes

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Age : 33
Location : Durham, NC
Registration date : 2011-03-06

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:28 pm

Yak nailed it. I sure hope things improve for you!
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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 12:30 pm

Let me revise and clarify that, Kirk.

On his side, it was intended to be a two-handed game -- he hated you blindly, for no good reason, and on your end, you ate your own lunch over it -- consumed yourself with feeling (and rightly enough) rejection. Passive aggression pure and simple on his part, with you not comprehending that because someone behaving that way was beyond the limit of what you could imagine anyone doing.

But you couldn't (as you saw) appeal to his basic sense of humanity. He'd buried that in himself. Sealed it off behind a wall of hatred.

Now you decide whether his having crippled himself is a good reason for you to keep crippling yourself as well. If so, he's imposed his madness from the grave via an emotional collar around your neck with his memory holding the leash.

If not, and you've taken that collar off -- loosed your hold on the relationship-that-wasn't -- he's on to whatever his destiny entails, and you're on to yours, free and clear. Sadder at what might have been, but at peace by accepting that what was beyond your control was beyond your control.

All good on ya, Bro.

What a Face


Last edited by Yak on Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Puff Daddy
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Age : 53
Location : South of heaven
Registration date : 2007-12-09

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:09 pm

You cannot control another person's emotions, their manner of reasoning, or their beliefs. Life is a short, unfair, difficult ride, and when it's over it's over. All you can do is be the right person for yourself, be good to those around you, and forgive those who trespass against you. Your brothers life was his life, respect his wishes even if you disagree with them. Make your peace with your creator, your brother isn't here anymore so fretting about what you coulda/shoulda said or done is a pointless exercise that will only bring you more grief. Let it go. If you find you've learned something from it, use that experience to enrich someone else's life or circumstances if you can. You cannot change the past, but you can make the future better for others.

Breathe deep, cut yourself some slack. This world is a damned mess and it certainly isn't because of you.

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These are horrible times and all sorts of horrible people are prospering, but we must never let this disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to annoy and hinder them at every turn.
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Centurian 803
Long Arm O' The Law
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Age : 67
Location : Oak Ridge, TN
Registration date : 2008-09-10

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 3:52 pm

Brothers Yak and Puff Daddy are quite correct. It is unbelievably difficult to do what they suggest but, for your own well being and the well being of those who love you, you must. It will be a long difficult process but in the end you will be stronger and find peace. Not speaking from the abstract here - been through similar hurt myself.
If you need to rant, cry, bitch or vent you can PM me anytime. I don't know if I can help but I'll certainly lend my support; as I'm sure all of the brothers will.
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Kyle Weiss

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Location : Reno, NV
Registration date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 4:13 pm

Kirk, my family's cohesiveness leaves a lot to be desired, too. I've had three of them kill themselves in cold blood (meaning, they attributed it to something the other did, and as a final, hateful one-upmanship, they did the deed--there was a lot of other things going on, but hatred is infinite in the ways it manifests itself). When my parents finally leave this mortal coil, it's going to be an emotional and probably physical bloodbath. No, there's no estate, there's no money, but there's a huge table in which to feast upon the opportunity of blame. Everyone's expected to sit down potluck-style, bring their own dish of malice, eat and sample others, and everyone leaves just a little angrier than before.

I won't participate. I haven't for years. For that, my father and I are the outcasts, because we're attempting to be happy, and doing the best we can, we're suddenly "better than everyone else," or otherwise scrutinized for not playing the game. This is why I am alone most of the time. People have a common likeness of a spoil't child, that which, unspoken, expects their game to be played, and for them to win: if you deny them in any way, you become the target of a new game: "Get the S.O.B. who thwarted me."

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Family is what you make of it, as is your own sanity throughout dealing with them. You gotta not come unstitched at stuff like this, Kirk, I know it's hard, but that's how crap gets passed from one to the other. Didn't the Buddha say something to the order of, "...just because you are given a gift, doesn't mean you have to accept it..."...? I witnessed a crazy homeless guy once pick up a shopping bag with a load of dog droppings and try to hand it out to people as they passed by, grinning, saying, "Merry Christmas." They were skeptical, saw what it was, but denied the offering--some laughed, some were pissed, but none took. I declined, had a laugh, at the situation as a whole (spirit of X-mess and all), so I found it worthwhile. Apply that metaphor how you may, and keep strong: you have other Brothers--all around you.

Cool
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Simple Man

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Age : 56
Location : Atlanta-ish
Registration date : 2011-10-24

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 4:58 pm

Sorry to hear the struggles you're going through, Kirk.

I have a very similar relationship with my siblings. I've tried for years to make peace, but they have pretty much written me off too. I have always been the black sheep of the family, guess I will always be... I'm also the only one that is not interested in material wealth and when my Mom passes and the estate is divided I WILL NOT be there for my "part"; let them have it. I'll get along just fine, always have made it on my own, always will.

I know that sounds bitter, but I don't mean it like that. In my career experience I've seen a LOT of ugliness from families over the division of a "loved ones" property and I swore a long time ago that I would NEVER be a part of anything like that.

Families are weird.

Anyway, praying for peace for you through this hard time.
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beetlejazz

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Location : Finland
Registration date : 2012-08-17

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:10 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's crazy what sort of hold family members can have on one, even if they're unfair and cruel and irrational and you know it. I wish you all possible luck with struggling forward. Lucky there's so many wise and kind brothers here.
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bosun1

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Location : fly over country
Registration date : 2012-10-23

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:17 pm

Many good and true words above. You do what you can, but sometimes it just doesn't happen no matter what you do. You tried. Remember your brother and let life go on. Peace. john
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klause

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Registration date : 2012-07-09

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:30 pm

There's nothing I can add to what's already been said, Kirk.

I'm sorry for your loss, Bro. Remember, You've got a world of support here with the Brothers.

Just take it easy, and give it time.
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Slide



Age : 55
Location : Benton, Louisiana
Registration date : 2011-11-23

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 5:46 pm

I am very sorry for your loss Kirk.

And I am sorry for your brother's loss as well. He did not choose to accept the enrichment and humor you bring into our lives. His loss is his.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Briar Spirit

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Age : 49
Location : England UK
Registration date : 2012-08-30

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 7:01 pm

So many wonderful and supportive replies, I don't quite know what to say or how to take this all in, I'm so used to folk just shrugging their shoulders with a 'so what' attitude, these responses have caught me off guard in truth.

I understand some of what is being said, I have tried to be remote and distant from emotional ties, I became so lost, when my late elder Brother and I left kids homes we were so filled with anger and fear that I felt like a raging storm dwelled within me and it was consuming what little humanity I had left. Unlike my elder Brother, I made a conscious choice to 'love' as opposed to 'hating' people, it wasn't easy and I get hurt by people a lot, some times very deeply. I tried to turn my back on my own created self to be more like my elder Brother was after he died, but it was like a bomb exploded within me, instead of destroying my flesh it filled every single part of my being with paralysing fear and anger, far stronger than anything I had ever felt before, I cannot and will not allow anything like that to exist in me ever again.

Yeah, it's stupid of me to allow things to hurt me so deeply, I know this, but it is this vulnerability that makes me who I am, it's childish I guess to feel this way but I have never known the love of a Brother. My elder Brother used to beat on me when he got angry, and he was angry a lot, but he was my kin and I wasn't going to turn my back on him no matter what, but he never showed me any kind of love, ever. Of course my younger Brother never showed me anything but contempt and disgust, so no surprises then when I say he never loved me either. I know it's foolish and juvenile to want or need to be loved, doesn't matter how many folk tell me it doesn't matter, it will never take that need away, it's a need that comes deeply from within, it's a need that is never ending and it hungers more now than ever before.

Ah hell, I'm crap at doing this sharing my emotions with folk, I just end up jumbling my words and failing to express myself very well, I guess a lot of folk will just consider me to be a bitchin child who needs to grow up. Aint that a bitch though, I never had the chance to be a child, so how do I grow up, I always hoped that as I got older life would start to make some sort of sense, but it doesn't make any sense at all.

I'm going to bog off now before I bore you guys senseless, thanks for listening, it means more than I can ever say, you guys and gals are the best, laugh if you will but I love you guys and gals, very much.
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Centurian 803
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Age : 67
Location : Oak Ridge, TN
Registration date : 2008-09-10

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:42 pm

Ok, first it"s NOT stupid to feel hurt. Second, there'd be something wrong with you if you didn't need to feel loved. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Well brother, that's us brothers (and sisters) of briar.
And by the way, I have bout two decades on you and life still doesn't make sense to me!
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KevinM



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Location : Connecticut
Registration date : 2012-02-26

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 9:57 pm

Well, this is plus about 12 for what Yak said. In spite of all the warm fuzzy rhetoric about families, there are a lot of them that are just plain dysfunctional and specialize in inflicting all sorts of pain on "black sheep" members. Go for a walk. Inhale to the count of five; exhale to the count of six. Listen to some inspiring holiday music. Unlatch the gate of the "black sheep" pen, and let yourself out.
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alfredo_buscatti

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Location : Piedmont, North Carolina
Registration date : 2007-12-17

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:42 pm

Kirk, I think posting some of your deepest needs and disappointments publicly on this Board was a very courageous thing to do. Moreover the support you've received by the members has been inspiring; it makes me rethink what this Board is about and what it's becoming. Talking about feelings precedes healing.

I've never met you but liked your style from the start. I like you more now.
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gandalfpc

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Age : 50
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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 1:30 am

I don't think your losing the plot at all. Your path of dealing with your problems as best you can, trying to be a good person as best you can figure it - that's the plot nearest I can tell. Other people's plots, including our kin, are never guaranteed to make any sense in our eyes, nor do they all agree with reality. Your brothers fervent desire to "have the last word" on the matter (and in the manner chosen) speaks volumes of misguided misunderstanding. I am willing to bet that if he were not taken from this earth so soon that the years would have brought to him the wisdom to see the err of his ways - as that is the best that a lost soul can hope for. Remember him as he was in his finest time, picture him as he could have been if he understood your feelings, forgive him his confused anger - and let your own soul rest from its turmoil...
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sand18f

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Location : Southern Appalachia
Registration date : 2011-01-17

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 1:46 am

Well the most important thing is for you to know that God loves you. He's always listening and he talks to us through His written word.
I'm not saying that you don't know that. It's just a reminder that we can't do anything that will cause Him to not forgive us. There's only one Doctor for those kinda hurts. As you stated they both can't live inside of us and God don't leave. I pray that you find the peace that surpasses all understanding. It's very close.

Bill
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Briar Spirit

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Location : England UK
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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 6:23 am

Centurian 803 wrote:
Ok, first it"s NOT stupid to feel hurt. Second, there'd be something wrong with you if you didn't need to feel loved. Somewhere in the Bible it says, "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Well brother, that's us brothers (and sisters) of briar.
And by the way, I have bout two decades on you and life still doesn't make sense to me!

Such a goodness comes from your words, I am grateful for your kindness, this brings meaning to how you guys have allowed me to feel.

Quote :
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
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Briar Spirit

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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 8:37 am

KevinM wrote:
Well, this is plus about 12 for what Yak said. In spite of all the warm fuzzy rhetoric about families, there are a lot of them that are just plain dysfunctional and specialize in inflicting all sorts of pain on "black sheep" members. Go for a walk. Inhale to the count of five; exhale to the count of six. Listen to some inspiring holiday music. Unlatch the gate of the "black sheep" pen, and let yourself out.

Thank you for the sentiment, here is something for you to listen to, believe it or not it's a song by Rob Halford:
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Briar Spirit

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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 8:40 am

alfredo_buscatti wrote:
Kirk, I think posting some of your deepest needs and disappointments publicly on this Board was a very courageous thing to do. Moreover the support you've received by the members has been inspiring; it makes me rethink what this Board is about and what it's becoming. Talking about feelings precedes healing.

I've never met you but liked your style from the start. I like you more now.

Very very kind of you to say Mike, the guys and gals here are mind blowing supportive and understanding, it's a genuine privilege and honour to be a part of you all here. Smile
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Briar Spirit

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PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 8:41 am

gandalfpc wrote:
I don't think your losing the plot at all. Your path of dealing with your problems as best you can, trying to be a good person as best you can figure it - that's the plot nearest I can tell. Other people's plots, including our kin, are never guaranteed to make any sense in our eyes, nor do they all agree with reality. Your brothers fervent desire to "have the last word" on the matter (and in the manner chosen) speaks volumes of misguided misunderstanding. I am willing to bet that if he were not taken from this earth so soon that the years would have brought to him the wisdom to see the err of his ways - as that is the best that a lost soul can hope for. Remember him as he was in his finest time, picture him as he could have been if he understood your feelings, forgive him his confused anger - and let your own soul rest from its turmoil...

Thank you, to be honest I am always the first to forgive in any given situation, he is already forgiven, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.
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Puff Daddy
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Registration date : 2007-12-09

PostSubject: Re: Am I losing the plot or what!?!   Thu Dec 20, 2012 8:47 am

How do you not love a warm fuzzy ballad by a guy known for Screaming with Vengeance, posted by a guy whose avatar pic is Lemmy in a Santa hat Smile

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These are horrible times and all sorts of horrible people are prospering, but we must never let this disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to annoy and hinder them at every turn.
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