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Growley

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Age : 42
Location : Fairhope, Al
Registration date : 2012-04-10

PostSubject: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:23 pm

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Were it not for this awesome forum, I'd probably just think about it and leave it at that. But you guys and gals are some of the most decent people I know, so I figured I'd throw it out there as a sort of poll. So, at the risk of sounding like a "Dear Abby" post, here it goes.

I'm 37, and by all accounts, I don't have a single friend I can go hang out with. Being a family guy, I'm busy with my kids and love the company of my wife, but there's something about a true blue, outside of your core family friend that neither of those can replace of course.

The definition of "friend" goes pretty deep with me. When I think of a friend, I think of someone you can pretty much trust no matter what. Someone who would tell you if you're off your rocker, someone who would come pick you up in the middle of the night if your car left you stranded, someone who gets you.

I've had these types of friends before, but in leaving my hometown, leaving college, getting married and so on, I find these changes have also lead to new stages of life, where those friendships kind of naturally ended.

In this stage of life, I have neighbors and different church groups, both of which seem to be all full up for friends. It's got me wondering, "do people have all the friends they need these days? Do people not really have deep friendships anymore? Is it an age or stage of life thing?" I was actually pondering the other day as to if I really needed this type of friend in this stage of the game.

So, in this post, I'm not wondering about me. I'm wondering about the majority. What about you guys? Do you have friends like this? Do you find that they come and go as life changes? Do you find that as you get older, you have more or fewer friends? Are most of your friends on line these days, like you great people whom I've never met face to face?


... I think I'm getting old. I'm pondering life affraid
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Mozjo33

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Age : 49
Location : Chantilly, Va
Registration date : 2011-12-04

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:31 pm

I am like you Brian. I've never really had friends...mostly aquaintances through life. From high school, college, the Army to now.

But this I have discovered...you only need 5 people to count on. To date, I know of 5 people that if I were to call right now, it would take them the time from their homes to mine should I need them. Some are friends, some are family. All I know is that I can count on them, and they can count on me.

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puros_bran
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Location : Brandenburg, Ky
Registration date : 2007-12-10

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:39 pm

DON"T READ THIS>>





It is designed this way..... Seperate a man from his home identity (families used to be FROM somewhere) .. his family.. his church.. his friends.. and suddenly all thats left is state.
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somedumbjerk

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Age : 31
Location : Palo Alto, CA USA
Registration date : 2012-08-26

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:46 pm

When you move it takes a while. i'm a very social person, but true friends take a lot of time, and work, to gain. i moved from Philly to California five years ago and only had one of my friends come visit me since. took me a few years to even have anything beyond drinking buddies, but i think I've got a good solid group of core friends. it'll happen, just don't let the move get you down.
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PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:04 pm

Friends are like cats.

It works 10,000% better when they find you & hook up rather than the other way around.

(Credit original observation to PeeBee)

What a Face
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flytyer

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Age : 51
Location : N E Pa.
Registration date : 2009-03-22

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:19 pm

Ive had similar experiances to yours. And in the past few years have learned a couple things, the first of is that friendships just happen, you just become friends with someone because of who you and they are, you progress to a friendship.I dont beleive in working for a friendship,meaning I dont go out of my way for someone to become friends I do it because of who I am.The second and most important thing is that true friends from the past never really go away.Evan if i havent been with a friend for several years its just like old times when we get together...like we didnt miss a beat.
As I get older I think its normal to be seperated or not have as many friends, your raising a family and spending time doing what parents do.I dont feel older I feel that theres not alot of time to spend with friends.Im lucky to have a small handful of peaple I can count on if need be,and evan hang out with every ounce in a great wile.
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gravel

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Age : 43
Location : Oregon
Registration date : 2011-12-07

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:58 pm

I have a large number of friends who I interact with in social settings. There is nothing fake about this group. I need social space. I also have a close knit group of people who I hang out with from time to time, but our conversations tend to be more personal in nature. Some of these folk even smoke pipes!
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Greyson

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Age : 36
Location : England
Registration date : 2012-08-03

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:07 am

Yak wrote:
Friends are like cats.

It works 10,000% better when they find you & hook up rather than the other way around.


I've had this in the holster for a while waiting for the next cat related post Smile





But back on topic - Friendship is tricky. Some of my most painful memories have been of friendships where I thought we valued each other evenly, but it turned out they didn't really care about me at all.

I lived with 5 guys at university. I didn't get on with them all, but I was really close to three of them, one still remains the funniest guy I've ever met, he could light up a room with a single joke. When it came to graduation, the university started laying a load of fees on me, fees for attending my graduation, buying my own ticket, no free passes for family, rental on the graduation robes ect so I objected and refused to go (there was an option to have the diplomas mailed to you instead). Little did I know that what that meant was that I'd already seen the three guys I counted as my friends for the last time. When I realised that as time had passed they changed their phones and I didn't have any way to contact them again, I was really unhappy. The only way I had to get ahold of them was that one of them had used my amazon account to buy something for his parents, so I had their address, and I wrote a letter to them asking to pass it along to their son, asking him to contact me and saying I didn't want to lose touch ect. Nothing came back, I assumed he never got it. About ten years later, some random algorithm on facebook asked me 'do you know this Chris Smith?', (he was the guy that I wrote to). I didn't recognise the profile picture because he had put the face of his baby on, but I read his bio and yes, it was my old friend, he was married and had kids now. I sent him a message, overjoyed that I could get one of my best friends back, and when he replied, it was like I'd been stabbed in the chest. He wrote that all those years ago, his parents had got my letter, and sent it on to him. They forwarded it to Australia, where he was backpacking with the other two guys I couldn't contact from university. They had all read my letter asking for their contact details so we didn't lose touch... and ignored it. Chris explained it saying 'university was a different time, we all have different lives now, we should leave the past in the past', but I was totally blown away by it. The guys who's friendship I'd cherished didn't give a single damn for me. I haven't touched facebook or any other social media ever since. I figure that the people who deserve my friendship are welcome to it, and they all know where to find me. I'm glad to know everyone on here (even you Kyle) and it'd be great to share a pipe or a beer with you guys one day (the offer is open by the way if anyone visits England).

I also had a eye opening experience when my second engagement fell though. I wont go into details or try to make this a ultra depressing thread, but the short of it is that she came from a religion that I consider a cult, where her father was a so called bishop, and about two months before we were due to get married he broke into her house, and moved in. From that moment I could not speak to her again, all lines of communication were cut, and she wouldn't see me. About a month later she called me to tell me the wedding was off, because she had strayed from the path of the righteous and her father had convinced her that if she married me she would never see her family in the afterlife. That was it, over. She was gone, and it was like somebody had reached into my chest and torn my heart out. I was devastated. I couldn't be alone with myself, but I didn't want my family to see me like I was, so I called up my friends, I've never had many but I kept what I thought were about three good friends in my life, so I called them, basically just to not feel so painfully alone. One didn't answer, which could have been innocent. One answered, listened to me breaking my heart on the other end of the line, listened to what had happened and said he was really sorry, it was terrible, it shouldn't have happened to me ect... and I'll never forget it, then he said 'Right. Well, got to go now. Catch you later.' and put the phone down. I called my last close friend, he heard how upset I was, dropped what he was doing and drove for two hours to sit with me for the rest of the day to make sure I was all right. I didn't even ask him to, he just did it. I learned a lot about friendship that day, and I was proud to be his best man not long ago.

I guess what I'm saying is that the old adages are true, you really don't know who your friends are until you really need them. You can have a totally misjudged idea of the relationship, and as far as I know there's no nice way to find out if its real. But if you don't open yourself to new friendships, you certainly wont get them. I genuinely hope to meet some of you guys one day, and make our friendships more than just words on a page. For the moment, I need to get a whole slew of things fixed in my life before I go out of my way to find some decent guys to hang out with where I live, but it matters, and its up there.

Ah. I've just made a very depressing post. I'll liven it up with some jokes!



Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is it skips a generation. So, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.’

Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bulls**t!’
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Ocelot55

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Location : Columbus, OH
Registration date : 2012-03-28

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 2:04 am

I think I can echo a lot of sentiments already mentioned. I can probably count the number of true friends I have on one hand. I don't make friends easily. I think friendship can only truly be tested through hardship. While I only have a few friends I have no doubt those gents would sacrifice a lot for me if I needed help, and I would do the same for them.

Here's an example. I had a friend in a long distance relationship with a gal none of the rest of the guys liked. She was living with her brother at the time about 5 hours away. Late one evening my friend calls me and says that his gal is being abused and beaten by her brother. He had no transportation to get to her and was trying to figure out what to do. Without hesitation and knowing that I had work the next morning I volunteered to see if I could round up the posse and we would all drive down to pick her up and bring her back. So we all embarked on this ad hoc rescue mission. I got home in time to go to work. What a day that was.

Here's another. Some years back I had a wreck that totaled my only vehicle. My friend who is a mechanic volunteered to help me look for parts and help me fix my rig. We put in a lot of hours, blood, sweat, and tears into making that car run again and we did it. I'll never forget how generous he was with his time when he wasn't obligated to do a darn thing. And he did it all for free while working 60 hour weeks already in the shop.

Friendship is an incredible force for good in a screwed up world. It is a showcase for man's humanity to man. I think we have captured some of that here on BOB, and while I know that geography is a limiting factor to how strong our friendships are I know that if I was really in deep there would be brothers here willing to lend me all the support they could. That counts for a lot in my book.
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Briar Spirit

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Age : 49
Location : England UK
Registration date : 2012-08-30

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:58 am

Yak wrote:
Friends are like cats.

It works 10,000% better when they find you & hook up rather than the other way around.

(Credit original observation to PeeBee)

What a Face

Isn't it funny how that observation cancels out the ability to make real friends entirely, when 'they' find you, it is 'them' seeking out friends, so for 'them' it is destined to be a less successful friendship, so for 'us' when 'they' find 'us' that friendship is also destined to be less successful because 'they' sought 'us' out in the first place, oh life and it's little complexities and idiosyncrasies.


I haven't actually tried too hard to make any real-life friends since my Brother's death back in 1994, I miss the close bonds a man gets from 'real' friendship from fellow chaps, it's a far deeper and more profound kind of friendship than a chap can ever get with a woman, and it's more genuine for the chaps as nothing is wanted from either besides true friendship.

I am in the early stages of forming friendship with 2 Brothers in my real life, we keep in touch fairly regularly on SF and they have both briefly visited our home a while back. They are planning to visit us for a longer visit in the very near future, I have no expectations of this friendship forming into any lifelong bonds, but I really hope our friendships develop beyond the initial bondings.
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Slide



Age : 55
Location : Benton, Louisiana
Registration date : 2011-11-23

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:32 am

I am generally well liked and am friendly with a lot of people. Even though my social needs are very low.

As for close friends, those like Ocelot referred to, I probably have 3 or 4. None who live closer than 100 miles.
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PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 9:41 am

Quote :
Isn't it funny how that observation cancels out the ability to make real friends entirely, when 'they' find you, it is 'them' seeking out friends, so for 'them' it is destined to be a less successful friendship, so for 'us' when 'they' find 'us' that friendship is also destined to be less successful because 'they' sought 'us' out in the first place, oh life and it's little complexities and idiosyncrasies.

The point I intended is that you can't "make friends" on purpose. It doesn't work. You can make acquaintances that way, but not Friends.

Friends resonate at the same frequencies you do.

Finding people like that's more a matter of recognition than intent.

What a Face

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bosun1

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Location : fly over country
Registration date : 2012-10-23

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 11:06 am

When I was young it was easy to make 'friends', primarily because I had fewer pre-conceived opinions and wasn't so set in my ways. Often these early friends are the ones you have all of your life. If you move you'll drift apart from these early friends. As you get older it is harder to make friends though you may have many acquaintances. You become wrapped up with your family. When the kids move out then its just you and the wife (or husband). Your social world becomes smaller and smaller. You lose the social skills and desire. With the old style large families it was like having a small town as relatives/friends. I'm starting to depress myself. My best friends are three dogs and my wife!
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Simple Man

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Age : 56
Location : Atlanta-ish
Registration date : 2011-10-24

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 11:27 am

I have never had a "real" friend. Probably because that's the way I prefer it. It's not that I'm anti-social, but let's face it, having a "real" friend takes time and work. I really don't care to invest the time or work into building that kind of relationship. I'm often moody, it would be nearly impossible for another man to understand me and my moods. Some days I like fishing and golf, some days I could throw all of my fishing and golf equipment out at the curb for the garbage man... just because. (I actually don't play golf anymore because of my knees, just used it as an example.)

Sometimes I like sports, sometimes I hate the entire sports industry. Heck, if I can't figure out what I am from day to day, how could I expect anyone else to? Yet, I have very successful relationships with my wife and family, but they have learned to accept my eccentricities and somehow love me, and I love them likewise.

With the gents, I guess it will always be on a level of acquaintances with me. Unless I find someone who just likes to sit around and watch clouds roll by and smoke pipes, garden, read books, study the Bible, talk about the weather and that sort of thing, but I haven't ever met anyone like that.

But I'm with Growley, I feel I've made some "real" friends here, just wish I knew some of you in the "real world" as they say.
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PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 11:43 am

As I hear that on this end : nobody ever "clicked" with me.

Cool.

But if somebody does, you'll be on the same page without much effort. Cool

What a Face
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alfredo_buscatti

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Age : 62
Location : Piedmont, North Carolina
Registration date : 2007-12-17

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 11:51 am

Be a friend to get friends.
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beetlejazz

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Location : Finland
Registration date : 2012-08-17

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 2:23 pm

I consider myself incredibly lucky to "have so many close friends". This means 3-4.

My closest friend I have known since we were 9. Back then we used to play in the snow and make eachother mix-tapes out of stuff we had taped from the radio. She still has some of those. Now we're both 31, and we're closer than ever. I can count on her in so many ways and even when there's minor skirmishes, we make up right away. We've seen eachother grow up and go through our trials, and sometimes drifted apart only to come closer again. She has helped me to "come out with" my painting in numerous ways and was helping me to hang up my first exhibition, just as I have helped her. Her presence alone has a calming effect on me. I'm going to see her tomorrow and pose for her, as she is working on an art exhibition of her own now. She's a photographer. I will be writing her press/artist's statement too; it's so good how we both try to help eachother out to realize our dreams. She's taken the picture of me in the avatar. Often when we hang out, we just drink beer and play video games. She knows my family and I know hers, and if there's one person in this world I can always trust to not to judge me, it's her. We often laugh till our bellies ache. I love her, I really, really do.

I think it's telling that when I had the most difficult phase in my life so far, it was my friends who came to rescue, not family. A few years ago my long-time partner I had cohabited with over 5 years, my only real relationship so far and a true soulmate, was taken from me by a violent onset of paranoid schizophrenia. It was terrible few months with lots of rather catastrophic situations, first not even knowing what was up with him. I kinda saw his mind and soul just die, the him I knew. When I eventually took him, terrified and full of psychotic hallucinations, to a mental institution at the middle of the night, he proposed to me the whole taxi drive up there. Those times and the year following were very difficult, to put it mildly. It was my 4 closest friends who dragged me off my home regularly to give me some sort of experience of normalcy and something to smile about. One of my friends and her husband took me first for coffee, and then persuaded me to come to their home for the night. They even bought me a toothbrush. Laughing I hadn't showered in over a week. My friend brushed my hair while her husband offered me ice cream, they put me to shower and made me a bed, all while giving the impression it was not fussing, just getting confortable. I remember sleeping like a baby that night.

Around the same time the said since-childhood friend would visit me from another city every week. She would never roll her eyes at the chaos in my place, but just skip over the mountains of dirty laundry that stayed put for months and bring her own food as I wasn't likely to have any, offering me some. Then she just sat with me and we chatted about pleasant stuff. Again, a wonderful absence of fussing. Another two friends just started to contact me more often, casually, meet me somewhere for coffee and talk about pleasant things. None of my friends ever probed me for details about my life unless I wanted to give them and respected my privacy. Jeez, I almost feel teary-eyed just writing this. Laughing

A couple of years back when the first of my friends started expecting a child, as happy as I was for her, I felt a bit sad thinking that I will lose her now and she won't have time for me. Little did I know. The birth of her first child has brought us much closer, and her son of almost 2 years now is a very important person to me on his own accord. I love playing with him and hope to do a lot of cool stuff with him in the future. Even if I don't desire a family of my own, I have had the chance to learn to know a new person right from the start. It's indeed a blessing.

Every now and then I meet new people I really like, but only a handful really sticks. Who knows, one day there might be more. Well, whether that happens or not, I do consider myself incredibly lucky in this department.

Tells something about this forum though that it feels so easy to tell about such personal things. It's somehow just easy to trust this is a cool bunch of brothers with high tolerance for weirdoes. This is my living-room in the net.
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Kyle Weiss

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Location : Reno, NV
Registration date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:15 pm

When I scrolled down this thread after reading Brian's OP, I knew it was going to have some meaty posts.

In a world where numbers matter, friendship is some digital bastardization of communication (i.e., scrubbing/avoiding that which is not seen as desirable), posed/fake pictures, the common social world (the in-real-lifers) took something away from those of us that rely on the computer as something as gentle as a buffer of comfort from humans or as defective as a surrogate for all contact.

There are now few places to run. BoB is one of them. Part of why those like us (as I see a pattern here) are here is because of what others have said: we resonate. We may not be alike, but we like and are liked, on a real level, over digital replication. That's the anomaly that doesn't make sense to most, I assume. Humans have always been this way, more-is-better, popularity-equals-tribal-strength (or numbers against distant hunting leopards)...

...there is no formula for or against friends. Being friendly doesn't make real friends any more than being a shut-in arsehole yields drinking buddies or courting ladies. If one engages real life on the level they see fit, whether it's here at BoB or at some bar teeming with folks, it all falls into place. Reality produces/resonates real friends. I prefer a close-knit handful of people, and tapdance, smile and act the up-front joker to abate anxiety and keep people at arm's length. I have more friends here, by far, than I do in person, but I have a few I can rely on close by--I just don't rely on them. They know this, and my phone stays silent 98% of the time. I'm okay with this, mostly.

Brian, thanks for being one of my friends. Along with the rest of ya.

Cool
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puros_bran
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Registration date : 2007-12-10

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:53 pm

Your lips are moving but all I hear is blah blah blah.. Shut up already Kyle, no one likes you..
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Kyle Weiss

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Location : Reno, NV
Registration date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:02 pm

Wrong. I'm likable to everyone but myself. :selfdeprecationsadface: :gothkidtear:

Laughing

Cool

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beetlejazz

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Location : Finland
Registration date : 2012-08-17

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:07 pm

Kids kids

Do I need to pinch some naughty bottoms again??
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Kyle Weiss

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Location : Reno, NV
Registration date : 2011-09-18

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:08 pm

:afraid: :catpictures:

Cool
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puros_bran
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PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:17 pm

Kyle Weiss wrote:
Wrong. I'm likable to everyone but myself. :selfdeprecationsadface: :gothkidtear:

Laughing

Cool


unloved and delusional.
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i.keenum

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Age : 27
Location : coast of mississippi
Registration date : 2011-06-12

PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:24 pm

True friends are really hard to come by. My best friend from elementary to college bailed on me in college. I wiped my hands of him after about the 200th time in college when I asked him to hang with me and he blew me off to go smoke a joint or have a beer. Never been a party-er and he chose partying over being a valid friend. Sucks because through high school we were shoulder to shoulder every day for about 6 years. Did everything together.

Then I had a kid after that first year of college and that put a space from the rest of my friends. I'll have my high school friends over about once a month to drink some beer and play drinking games, but other than to drink I can rarely get them hang out. Not their fault just their age, I had a kid at 20 and they are still unmarried and in college. There are older people I connect with but would feel odd hanging out on a regular basis with some one 20 years my senior.

I haven't met anyone my age with kids that is responsible enough to spend time with. My wife , dogs and kid have been the best friends for three years now. I miss the "guys" alot but I always needed a certain bit of order in my life that the party life style doesn't fit in.
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PostSubject: Re: Friendship   Mon Jan 07, 2013 8:28 pm

Sounds like you grew up some.

That can change things pretty dramatically Cool

What a Face
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