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 Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.

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the rev

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Age : 51
Location : Oak View CA
Registration date : 2012-10-08

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:17 pm

sorry sweetie, find lots of things to do, helping to ease others pain always makes me think less about my own. I hope you grieve good and hard, and then love recklessly with great boldness in the future.

rev
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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:35 pm

the rev wrote:
I hope you grieve good and hard, and then love recklessly with great boldness in the future.

rev
It's the only way I know how.

My friend took me to a wine tasting and bought me a bottle of wine which I plan on drinking once the kids are in bed. I got home and thought, "You know he wasn't good for you in the way that you need. You know that. Cherish the time that you had with him and let go. When you're ready, you've still got a friend to go to beer tastings and rock shows with. Stop crying because you're going to be fine." So I did. I piled my kids in the car and drove to the mall feeling a bit better. We blew $20 at the arcade and my amazing daughter (17) made her little brothers' day (5 & 3) by winning 1900 tickets. We walked out of there like Arcade Kings with all of our loot. My mom had pizza delivered so I wouldn't have to think about cooking. I know it's going to take time. I know I'm not out of the woods yet and I still have a few tears left to shed. I also know, I'm gonna be fine.
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NorthernLights

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Age : 35
Location : Toronto, Ontario
Registration date : 2013-07-12

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Fri Aug 09, 2013 6:42 pm

@Briarbabe: I'm half sorry at your loss, and half happy for you, as this seems a good thing in the long run and an opportunity for tremendous growth.

@Rev: That is a fantastic, *fantastic* quote. Is it your own? I'm going to write it down and use it in future. Thanks for sharing.
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PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:05 pm

Nahh, you are done with the grieving process.  Its that steps thing you know.  Not sure what the next step is but pretty sure nutting him come later.
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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Fri Aug 09, 2013 7:42 pm

JKenP wrote:
Nahh, you are done with the grieving process.  Its that steps thing you know.  Not sure what the next step is but pretty sure nutting him come later.
Nah, still a little grieving to do, and no I'm not nutting him. There's nothing to be mad at him for. We had a great thing while it lasted and we were smart enough to realize it just wasn't going to work, and in doing so, salvaged the friendship we found in the beginning. No nutting.
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Planemech



Location : South Florida
Registration date : 2012-03-18

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 12:40 am

The fact that you hurt from this event, says quite a bit about who you are as a person. If you did not hurt, it would be a real problem. Do not, under any circumstances, ever lower your standards for anyone. A person of your caliber will find true love. This is just a step in the proper direction.
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DoverPipes

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Age : 49
Location : HUDSON VALLEY NY
Registration date : 2009-05-24

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 3:00 am

Not to get overly personal but......
Were your kids upset by this? Just curious to see how they felt about your man.
Sometimes the little buggers see things we can't......

You'll be A-OK in no time. Pour a tall one, pack a big pipe and relax. The pressure is off for now, enjoy the time alone. Your "Prince" will show himself, don't worry about that!king 
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Sean68

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Age : 49
Location : Berea, Kentucky
Registration date : 2012-06-21

PostSubject: Buy a motorcycle!   Sat Aug 10, 2013 4:30 am

You have been offered some wonderful emotional advice here and your replies suggest an emotional maturity that will pull you through this quite well. I will not add more to that as I would just be repeating what these fine ladies and gentlemen have already said.

But I do think you should use the opportunity to self reflect. Sometimes we are so committed to a relationship that we forget to commit to ourselves. Now would be a good time to reach out to something new, or something old and long forgotten. Want to finish that college degree? No better time than now. Or learn an instrument and join a band. Most importantly?

Buy a motorcycle!

Really, you are a beautiful and interesting young woman. The eclectic folks that can be met while out riding and meeting other motorcyclists are a great source of friendships. I am sure you would be a fun addition to any riding group.

Enjoy life, young lady!

Sean
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Rob_In_MO

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Age : 44
Location : Park Hills, MO
Registration date : 2011-01-19

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 7:21 am

Sorry, little Sister.  I really can't offer any advice here that hasn't already been given. Hang in there though, we're all pulling for you! Cool 

Just don't collapse in a moment of weakness and call him again.  Seen that happen too many times... Crying or Very sad
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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 7:36 am

Sean68 wrote:
You have been offered some wonderful emotional advice here and your replies suggest an emotional maturity that will pull you through this quite well. I will not add more to that as I would just be repeating what these fine ladies and gentlemen have already said.

But I do think you should use the opportunity to self reflect. Sometimes we are so committed to a relationship that we forget to commit to ourselves. Now would be a good time to reach out to something new, or something old and long forgotten. Want to finish that college degree? No better time than now. Or learn an instrument and join a band. Most importantly?

Buy a motorcycle!

Really, you are a beautiful and interesting young woman. The eclectic folks that can be met while out riding and meeting other motorcyclists are a great source of friendships. I am sure you would be a fun addition to any riding group.

Enjoy life, young lady!

Sean
I've got Ducati tastes and a...hell, no budget at all. lol! 
Thank you though, for your kind words, all of you. This little corner of the internet has provided a soothing balm to my heartache.
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PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 7:37 am

Briarbabe wrote:
No nutting.  
The idea was a joke. I really didn't consider it a viable option. Saw you moving forward and might be ready. The fact of your willingness to maintain contact with the person will shorten the process.s You'll be surprised if this moves as quickly as it should as you've more on the healthy side than most.l

But, anger is likely to develop as part of the process. This is one of the stock looks at the process. They aren't nice and clean and a check list. You can bounce around in them forever it might seem. They even can mix completely on an off day. Just understand that its all "normal" and a process.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. The goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 7:42 am

JKenP wrote:
Briarbabe wrote:
No nutting.  
The idea was a joke.  I really didn't consider it a viable option.  Saw you moving forward and might be ready.  The fact of your willingness to maintain contact with the person will shorten the process.s You'll be surprised if this moves as quickly as it should as you've more on the healthy side than most.l

But, anger is likely to develop as part of the process.  This is one of the stock looks at the process.  They aren't nice and clean and a check list.  You can bounce around in them forever it might seem.  They even can mix completely on an off day.  Just understand that its all "normal" and a process.

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familiar places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage.  Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. The goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
The five steps of grieving, very familiar with this.  Thanks for posting this here. Smile Good reminder of the process. And believe me, I have been bouncing all over these steps.
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Natch

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Age : 66
Location : foothills of the Ozarks
Registration date : 2007-12-21

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 5:26 pm

Unfornatly, my experience of "grieving" includes #6. Go to step #1. and start again!  Rolling Eyes 

I've had a few pains in my life, but to the heart is to most difficult to deal with, for me.  Enjoy your pipe and new friends, you'll do well.

Natch
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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 8:59 pm

My stomach muscles are actually sore today from all of the crying I have been doing. I'm going to have a six pack from my break up.
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 9:05 pm

Good advice noted here. Nothing I can add.

You'll land your feet girl. And be stronger all the more for it.

Cheers,

RR

PS

I'm no one to be issuing relationship advice. Doesn't work for me and I'm a bit cynical about it all. But don't let a curmudgeon like me influence YOU and what YOU need.
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Vito

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Location : Earth
Registration date : 2007-12-10

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sat Aug 10, 2013 10:05 pm

Briarbabe wrote:
My stomach muscles are actually sore today from all of the crying I have been doing.  I'm going to have a six pack from my break up.

Ahah! So that's the secret of having those nice, tight abs. I'm doomed. I can't cry for myself any more. For others, yes...but not for myself, or any loss I might endure.

It's the result of an epiphany that hit me many years ago. I'd have to go brain dead and forget I ever knew it...which I suppose is possible, but doesn't seem likely as long as I'm in possession of my faculties.

There are other things I can cry about, but I'm not one of them. It's a good thing, and I'm OK with it. But my heart goes out to you, Bb, in your current ordeal. Have a brewski on me, Sis.

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Briarbabe

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Age : 38
Location : PA
Registration date : 2013-07-30

PostSubject: Re: Horrible, horrible day, and a thank you.    Sun Aug 11, 2013 11:05 pm

Feeling a bit better today. I went over to his place and talked to him about when/what/where this whole thing started to derail. I got some answers and I feel better. Still going to need plenty of time before I will be okay hanging out as friends, but I do feel that it's definitely going to happen in the long run. Working on me and getting my head/heart in a healthy place. Spending some time figuring out my goals for the next couple years and getting a move on them.
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