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 For all you things "British" Lovers

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monbla256

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Age : 71
Location : DFW Metroplex, Texas
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PostSubject: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:24 pm

Was over on the British Beat Site and found this which all the lovers of those British Unobtainium 'baccys ought to appreciate!! It's long but worth the reading !! Twisted Evil Twisted Evil

"In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg" if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up "aluminum" and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2.The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour", "favour" and "neighbour". Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.
3.Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
4.There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u".
5.You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
6.July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  7.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9.The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
10.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
11.Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
12.The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
13.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
14.You will cease playing "American" Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
15.Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
16.You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
17.Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
18.An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation. "

This an old favorite that gets re-worked to suit the times.  From what I've been able to ascertain it originated from Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K. in November 2000.  It can be added to or edited however one chooses, but it always seems to be jolly good fun!
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Ozark Wizard

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Location : Mark Twain National Forest, MO
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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:47 pm

But but but, she isn't even really of royal lineage! And, and, and, what bout the Rothchid's hold on the global monetary system, and, and, and, the Illumninati ties with the Crown, the White House, and Isreal??????


(And I get sent to the Rubber Room.) HPMPH and Humbug I say.........
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George Kaplan

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sat Sep 26, 2015 11:08 pm

I'd have to agree with the metric system. Forced adoption is about the only way it'll work for us.
I think the beer item was directed at someone else. 90% of what I drink is brewed within the city where I live, and I'd put most of it up against anything from the UK.


Last edited by George Kaplan on Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:03 am; edited 1 time in total
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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sat Sep 26, 2015 11:37 pm

George Kaplan wrote:
I'd have to agree with the metric system. Forced adoption is about the only way it'll work for us.
I think the beer item was directed at someone else. 90% of what I drink is brewed within the county where I live, and I'd put most of it up against anything from the UK.

Here here!

We have some smashing brews!
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Cartaphilus

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sat Sep 26, 2015 11:37 pm



And to answer your question, The CIA!
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Stick

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:30 am

I say, that's jolly decent of our monarch to afford you chaps across the pond such a spiffing offer. One should be delighted and awfully proud.
You'll come to enjoy paying crippling taxes and prices for fuel that will make your eyes water. You'll develop a sense of pity for our university bred politicians who haven't a clue about the real world yet are charged with running the country. And of course you'll realise why this call sign has such a meagre cellar of baccy. (We do have good tea though so it's not all bad).
Pip pip. cheers
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puros_bran
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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:26 am

Two problems I see.  One, there are no British left, they are all mohammedan, except Stick and maybe two other Anglos..but one of those fellers may actually be an Irish servant.  Two, if they take back America who will protect them from the Germans?  

And a  bonus.. Tea time my arse, the English know as much about tea as they do fighting Germanic, or even Roman invasion.  Earl Grey sucks.. You've had tea for roughly 400 years, the Chinaman has had it 400 century. I'm quite certain he has the market cornered on how to properly drink the stuff.


Last edited by puros_bran on Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:27 am; edited 1 time in total
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Timbo

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:26 am

Buggerations, I clicked this thread as I thought you were going to tell us of a wonderful new English blend tongue

Sadly the beer reputation of the USA is as bad as Australia's when all you know are Budweiser and Fosters. Both countries have some seriously great ales. Loving the fact my boss at work runs a brewery, I get to taste his experiments regularly.

Cheers

Tim
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George Kaplan

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:01 am

Beer reputation is not the same as Beer. Let the college kids drink their Bud Lite. They'll wander down into town eventually to find a brewery in every neighborhood, none of them selling watered down ajuct lagers.
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Gumball

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 4:58 am

The irony of lecturing johnny foreigner on correct pronunciation whilst our own university educated youth cannot use our beautiful language properly Shocked

May I suggest a compromise. We send Charles and Andrew to run the colonies, that should clear out some of the worst of the House of Winsdor. You are free to do with them as you choose. I suggest a salt mine in Alaska.

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Stick

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:02 am

puros_bran wrote:
Two problems I see.  One, there are no British left, they are all mohammedan, except Stick and maybe two other Anglos..but one of those fellers may actually be an Irish servant.  Two, if they take back America who will protect them from the Germans?  

And a  bonus.. Tea time my arse, the English know as much about tea as they do fighting Germanic, or even Roman invasion.  Earl Grey sucks.. You've had tea for roughly 400 years, the Chinaman has had it 400 century. I'm quite certain he has the market cornered on how to properly drink the stuff.

Hey Peeb! I take it the op went ok then?! Looks like you're back on form. As for Earl Grey, I couldn't agree more. It's like drinking flowers. I'm talking a man's tea like Yorkshire Tea (eg). Robust and stout.
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Carlos
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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:37 pm

I am all for it! #10 sold me. sunny

_________________


"Never turn your back on a Breen".
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juanmedusa

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:40 pm

It wouldn't hurt my feelings to lose American Football but I've got to keep Baseball. I believe a system of measurement based on the same conversion as our counting system (multiples of ten) makes a lot of sense even if I have to take some great effort to learn it. I also love drinking Tea. But from a vessel that requires no saucer! I don't think I can commit to that. It wouldn't bother me on occasion but as a requirement, forget it. Count me out. I'll just stay the ignorant American I am and drink my preferred Chinese teas out of a mug.
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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:51 pm

Hey now......

As much as I enjoy a Black Pekoe tea like 'English Breakfast' I am a proud consumer of Earl Grey. Double Bergamot with a dollop of Irish Cream for me please...........
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juanmedusa

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:03 pm

Ozark Wizard wrote:
Hey now......

As much as I enjoy a Black Pekoe tea like 'English Breakfast' I am a proud consumer of Earl Grey. Double Bergamot with a dollop of Irish Cream for me please...........  

I enjoy most black English teas I've ever had. Including Earl Grey sans the cream. I prefer Chinese teas. Particularly sheng pu-erh which is honestly pretty bitter and not for everyone. Anyways, English tea is a bit of a misnomer anyways. All that tea the English drink isn't all, if much or any, being grown in England. But I continue to stand apart from mandatory formal porcelain tea ware.
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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:08 pm

juanmedusa wrote:
Ozark Wizard wrote:
Hey now......

As much as I enjoy a Black Pekoe tea like 'English Breakfast' I am a proud consumer of Earl Grey. Double Bergamot with a dollop of Irish Cream for me please...........  

I enjoy most black English teas I've ever had. Including Earl Grey sans the cream. I prefer Chinese teas. Particularly sheng pu-erh which is honestly pretty bitter and not for everyone. Anyways, English tea is a bit of a misnomer anyways. All that tea the English drink isn't all, if much or any, being grown in England. But I continue to stand apart from mandatory formal porcelain tea ware.

Oh yes, pu-erh. I still have paper wrapped coins of those here. Got them from a place in Portland, OR where they sold all kinds of teas, herbs, etc. A medical place of sorts.....

Good stuff that pu-erh, grate a little ginger root in it and ginseng and hit the day..........
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ftrplt

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 3:32 pm

#12 suits me just fine, excepting our fine truly craft beers. That said, I'll take a fine cask-conditioned, engine-pulled Bitter served at a proper temp (ice frappin' cold IS NOT proper Evil or Very Mad ) any day drunken cheers FTRPLT
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allyby

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:11 pm

puros_bran wrote:


And a  bonus.. Tea time my arse, the English know as much about tea as they do fighting Germanic, or even Roman invasion.  Earl Grey sucks.. You've had tea for roughly 400 years, the Chinaman has had it 400 century. I'm quite certain he has the market cornered on how to properly drink the stuff.

I think you'll find the Romans never got their hands on all of Britain as they built a very big wall to keep the Scots at bay.

Next point is ban the movie that say's the Yanks captured the Enigma Machine! We did! the Brits.

Go Lizzie, you tell em Gal!!!!!!!!! lol!
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Brewdude

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Sep 27, 2015 7:27 pm

Seems to me I've read that one before. And as much as I enjoy and respect all things British (and Scottish, ally Wink ) - yes even Wales - frankly I really don't want to convert to the metric system. Yep, there it is.

At this point in my life, after working with miles, yards, feet, inches, as well as degrees Fahrenheit it's a bit late for me to come to terms with a whole different system. So thank you but no, I'll hold onto the way I learned as a youngster. Old dog, new tricks you see.

In fact, you chaps once had the same system. I clearly remember it being used on an everyday basis when I visited your green and pleasant land starting in '79. It was only when it was forced upon you that you had to change. My UK mate Ian I recall being bewildered by the change initially when he had to perform mental calculations on what temperature it was in degrees C when he had come up in degrees F. 

Yet I'll admit to having to deal with some brewing conversions in metric. Seems to be the way forward for my industry, but I stick with all our brewing records in standard format. Guess I'm an old fogy. So be it!

Have to admit though that I do enjoy the occasional cup of Earl Grey with a nice slice of lemon. Afternoon cuppa. Other than that I'm normally a strong black freshly ground coffee guy. But do also appreciate a mug of strong black English tea with a dollop of milk (Almond milk that is. I'm off dairy).

I'll avoid commenting on the beer point or I'll write pages......


Cheers,

RR
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puros_bran
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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Mon Sep 28, 2015 4:01 am

Funny point you bring up Brew... Ever wonder why it's called The Imperial System? (Yes I realize there is some variation with US Customary Units, but we still call it Imperial)


And Allyby.. Poor poor chap... The Brits were lock, stock, and barrel dominated by the Romans.. Hadrian's Wall was to keep the Scots out.. You chaps have been pounding it into their heads that they are British for a few hundred years, they aren't, and many still realize that.

And as Brew pointed out you couldn't even keep the system of measurement you invented, instead having continentals cram their system down your throat.. Tsk tsk.

You people lost your right to smugness when you dropped from the charts of National Importance.   Now run along and do what Germany via the EU tells you to do..   We fight two wars to save y'all's bacon and you hand the keys to Germany anyway.. I'd shake my head if I wasn't in a brace.


(I do hope you boys realize I'm just being an ass out of humor, I've actually been called "British at heart" by my compatriots)
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Puffer Mark

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Mon Sep 28, 2015 6:01 am

George Kaplan wrote:
I think the beer item was directed at someone else. 90% of what I drink is brewed within the city where I live, and I'd put most of it up against anything from the UK.

Yes, yes, but you must admit that Bud Lite is like making love in a canoe, i.e F#$%ing close to water lol!

I'm going to add: You shall immediately cease throwing each other cheesy salutes in any and all war movies, especially whilst not wearing head dress. It's not proper.
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mustanggt

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Fri Nov 13, 2015 9:45 pm

Well, seeing how the UK is ahead of us on the road to Hades, I'd prefer just to leave things the way they are. I don't want to get there any sooner, thank you. Wink
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Jevverrett

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Sun Nov 15, 2015 9:13 pm

I prefer Irish breakfast myself. And the metric system has been alive here for some time now. It's on almost all packaging.
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KevinM



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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Tue Nov 17, 2015 8:36 pm

A proper English breakfast is a thing of gustatorial splendor. I like the little metal racks they use for the toast. Their mustard is more manly. Their bambershoots are sturdier than ours. Their sense of humor is lost on those slow on the uptake. English girls are blessed with bums whose charm is not based on exaggerated size. Their voices are not shrill. I could go on . . .
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Brewdude

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PostSubject: Re: For all you things "British" Lovers   Tue Nov 17, 2015 9:37 pm

KevinM wrote:
A proper English breakfast is a thing of gustatorial splendor. I like the little metal racks they use for the toast. Their mustard is more manly. Their bambershoots are sturdier than ours. Their sense of humor is lost on those slow on the uptake. English girls are blessed with bums whose charm is not based on exaggerated size. Their voices are not shrill. I could go on . . .

Preach it brother!

Smile


Cheers,

RR
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