Life is too short for fake butter, Cheese or People.
A recent study found out that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I meant to behave, but there were too many other options.
Some study showed people that celebrate birthdays tend to live longer.
When a woman says "Fine" to me… I just go ahead and clear my calendar for the next couple of hours so we can figure out what's not fine.
I will remove the duct tape as soon as you are willing to tell me I'm pretty.
I know you're upset. Why don't you post something passive aggressive on your Facebook status and not explain the situation to anyone? That Usually Helps.
Common Sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.
A pretty face gets old. A nice body will change. But a good woman will always be a good woman.
People who say they sleep like babies usually don't have them.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I can never run away from my problems, because my main problems are procrastination & laziness.
There is a fine line between hoping your kids will stay with you forever and wanting to sell them to the next passing Circus.
It's been one of those "I can no longer be held responsible for my actions" kind of days.
When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!
If Pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.
Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK.
I've learned so much from my mistakes I'm thinking of making a few more.
I wonder what my parents did do fight boredom before the internet… I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.
I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.
Someone left a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge with a sign that said "Don't eat this". Now there is a empty plate with a sign that says "Don't tell me what to do "
I just found out I have IBES. Irritable Because of Everything Syndrome.
I hit a turkey and it flew over my car and landed on the car behind me. It was a Cop. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for "Flipping" him the Bird.
My Wife just opened the car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn't been going 70 miles a hour.
If you look close enough, that High Horse some people are riding is actually a Donkey!
I picked up a Hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked " Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car are astronomical.
Did you know on the Canary Islands There is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same Thing - Not one Canary There.
I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday Night, then watch them fight from my living room windows eating popcorn.
Out of all my body parts my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 342 times a day.
Research shows laughing for 2 min is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at the joggers.
It takes real skill to Choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing. I have that skill.
One Big difference between men and women is that when Women say "Smell This!" it usually smells nice.
OMG, I'm Rich!! Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, crystals in the Kidneys, sugar in the blood, Lead in the Butt, Iron in the Blood and a inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never though I would accumulate such wealth!
Technically If you don't cut a cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you still only had one piece.