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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Fri Sep 08, 2017 7:14 pm

Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR

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Stick

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:29 am

Brewdude wrote:
Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR

Ok...

Oregon is a state.
If you were clinically depressed you'd be sad, or in a sad state, with 'state' being used to describe a way of being, e.g.,  'He'd received some very bad news and was in a terribly sad state'.
Marital infidelity can be described as an 'affair' e.g., 'He was having an affair with the office administrator'.

No?

Wink
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:27 am

Stick wrote:
Brewdude wrote:
Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR

Ok...

Oregon is a state.
If you were clinically depressed you'd be sad, or in a sad state, with 'state' being used to describe a way of being, e.g.,  'He'd received some very bad news and was in a terribly sad state'.
Marital infidelity can be described as an 'affair' e.g., 'He was having an affair with the office administrator'.

No?

Wink

Ah! I see said the blind man!

cherry


Cheers,

RR

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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:39 am

Yup, a beautiful play on words, and perhaps not so far off the mark of facts.... lol!
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Stick

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:47 am

How about this one...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
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Richard Burley

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:40 pm

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:58 pm

Stick wrote:
How about this one...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

I've been accused of being thick as a plank guv'nor. But I got that one loud and clear!

cat


Cheers,

RR

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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:48 pm

As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.


#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.


#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.


#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.


#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."


#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.


#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.


#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.


#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes ,

then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.


#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.


#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.


#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.


#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.


#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.


#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.



And remember..... Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.


Wink



Cheers,

RR

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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:18 pm

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice

At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.

I am what is called a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And having an all-nighter is now one in which I don't have to get up to pee.


WE CANNOT CONTROL THE WINDS BUT WE CAN ADJUST OUR SAIL!

jocolor



Cheers,

RR

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Corncobcon

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:48 pm

Very very true! And funny! #10 reminds me of the time another "older" gentleman saw me and said "how are you young man?" It turns out he was younger in age than I was!
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:59 am

PARAPROSDOKIANS

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous:



If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool - so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice - I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Men say women should come with an instruction manual; but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



clown


Cheers,

RR

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bosun1

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:08 pm

erasing the message..funny to me but it is political and not really allowed here..


Last edited by bosun1 on Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:11 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : not really applicable to this forum)
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Richard Burley

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:28 pm

bosun1 wrote:
not really a joke, but I thought it was humorous.  In traffic this AM.  Car in front of me had almost the entire back and bumper covered.  I'll skip the quotes -- Save DACA--Trump loves hate -- Global Warming is killing us  --NRA America's gun pusher - Cuba,,,etc....it was a Prius.  I was tempted to push him into on coming traffic at the light but I didn't want to scratch my bumper..

Sounds like he went to kollege somewhere and had a complete programming that "took." Pity his ass, and kudos for your restraint. Wink
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:57 pm

<p'sst......

.........ixnay on the oliticspay.........

...............doan wanna get this moved to the forbidden zone.......>

Wink



Cheers,

RR

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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:59 pm

Why do mice have such small balls?

Very few mice know how to dance.
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:27 pm

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We'd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers' lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder's monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of ageing. We can have archaic and eat it, too.


See 'ya later, alligator! Wink


Cheers,

RR

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ftrplt

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:06 pm

Man, you got more of them things than Adam had housecats!!!!! And that's the cat's meow!! Twenty-three skiddo!! Babe, you're the ginchiest!! I'm outta' here!! Razz Razz cheers FTRPLT
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:33 pm

Cool, Daddy-o!
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Feb 21, 2018 8:56 pm

I went to the doctor the other day.

She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's.

My wife wanted to know why I went there.

I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries.

She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.....

Exclamation



Today's Thought......

Judging by the obituary notices, nobody mean and unhappy ever dies.


Basketball



Cheers,

RR

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DrT999

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Feb 21, 2018 10:29 pm

Brewdude wrote:



Today's Thought......

Judging by the obituary notices, nobody mean and unhappy ever dies.


Basketball


Sure they do, but everyone's too busy celebrating to write the obit!
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Thu Feb 22, 2018 8:04 pm

SIGNS OF LIFE


English sign in German cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating"

On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"

On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin"

On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet"

At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges"

In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"

On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog"

Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push"

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive"

Muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"

clown


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RR

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Brewdude
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PostSubject: The Term Paper   Tue Feb 27, 2018 8:32 pm

Ah, those were the days my friends.....


HOW TO WRITE A TERM PAPER


1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, printed out, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song from your favorite album and that's it, I really mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that...

10. Listen to the rest of the album.

11. Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.

12. Call your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's memory book from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your laptop. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.


rabbit


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Mar 07, 2018 7:42 pm

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle!


affraid


Cheers,

RR


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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:25 am

Linda and Susan of Oklahoma Fame


Linda and Susan are filling up at a petrol station and Linda says to Susan, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher." Susan replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
One day, Linda’s husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Linda, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda and Susan were walking down the road and Susan said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" Then Linda covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that Susan had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
Susan" she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Susan. Therefore, Linda bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Susan," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 rolls leftover!" "Yes," said Susan "So did I."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda bought two horses and could never remember which was which. Susan suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Linda was stuck again. Susan then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, Linda couldn't tell the two horses apart. Susan then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, Linda very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Susan’s interview:
The executive was interviewing Susan for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" Susan quickly responded “The live one”.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess if Minnesota can have Sven and Ole as their fall guys, Oklahoma is entitled to have their "fall gals" too!!  drunken


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:11 pm

OK BD, Watch out with the Okie jokes:P . Our hired assasins will show up with their bows and arrows...and peace pipes!! Smile Smile cheers FTRPLT
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