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 Todays chuckle

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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Fri Sep 08, 2017 7:14 pm

Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR
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Stick

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Age : 48
Location : 'Blighty'
Registration date : 2014-02-19

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:29 am

Brewdude wrote:
Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR

Ok...

Oregon is a state.
If you were clinically depressed you'd be sad, or in a sad state, with 'state' being used to describe a way of being, e.g.,  'He'd received some very bad news and was in a terribly sad state'.
Marital infidelity can be described as an 'affair' e.g., 'He was having an affair with the office administrator'.

No?

Wink
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:27 am

Stick wrote:
Brewdude wrote:
Stick wrote:
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

Eh? I doan tek yer meaning laddie!?

scratch


Cheers,

RR

Ok...

Oregon is a state.
If you were clinically depressed you'd be sad, or in a sad state, with 'state' being used to describe a way of being, e.g.,  'He'd received some very bad news and was in a terribly sad state'.
Marital infidelity can be described as an 'affair' e.g., 'He was having an affair with the office administrator'.

No?

Wink

Ah! I see said the blind man!

cherry


Cheers,

RR
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Ozark Wizard

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Age : 53
Location : Mark Twain National Forest, MO
Registration date : 2014-10-11

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:39 am

Yup, a beautiful play on words, and perhaps not so far off the mark of facts.... lol!
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Stick

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Age : 48
Location : 'Blighty'
Registration date : 2014-02-19

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:47 am

How about this one...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.
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Richard Burley

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Location : North Coast NY
Registration date : 2011-04-09

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:40 pm

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. ~ Henny Youngman
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:58 pm

Stick wrote:
How about this one...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

I've been accused of being thick as a plank guv'nor. But I got that one loud and clear!

cat


Cheers,

RR
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:48 pm

As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.


#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.


#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.


#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.


#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."


#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.


#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.


#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.


#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes ,

then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.


#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.


#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.


#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.


#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.


#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.


#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.



And remember..... Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.


Wink



Cheers,

RR
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:18 pm

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice

At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.

I am what is called a "seenager" (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And having an all-nighter is now one in which I don't have to get up to pee.


WE CANNOT CONTROL THE WINDS BUT WE CAN ADJUST OUR SAIL!

jocolor



Cheers,

RR
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Corncobcon

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Age : 68
Location : Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri
Registration date : 2017-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Dec 19, 2017 8:48 pm

Very very true! And funny! #10 reminds me of the time another "older" gentleman saw me and said "how are you young man?" It turns out he was younger in age than I was!
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:59 am

PARAPROSDOKIANS

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous:



If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me very attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool - so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice - I'm not using it.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Men say women should come with an instruction manual; but since when has any man stopped to read the instructions.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



clown


Cheers,

RR
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bosun1

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Location : fly over country
Registration date : 2012-10-23

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:08 pm

erasing the message..funny to me but it is political and not really allowed here..


Last edited by bosun1 on Tue Jan 23, 2018 10:11 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : not really applicable to this forum)
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Richard Burley

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Location : North Coast NY
Registration date : 2011-04-09

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:28 pm

bosun1 wrote:
not really a joke, but I thought it was humorous.  In traffic this AM.  Car in front of me had almost the entire back and bumper covered.  I'll skip the quotes -- Save DACA--Trump loves hate -- Global Warming is killing us  --NRA America's gun pusher - Cuba,,,etc....it was a Prius.  I was tempted to push him into on coming traffic at the light but I didn't want to scratch my bumper..

Sounds like he went to kollege somewhere and had a complete programming that "took." Pity his ass, and kudos for your restraint. Wink
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
Location : Near the Emerald city
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:57 pm

<p'sst......

.........ixnay on the oliticspay.........

...............doan wanna get this moved to the forbidden zone.......>

Wink



Cheers,

RR
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Ozark Wizard

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Age : 53
Location : Mark Twain National Forest, MO
Registration date : 2014-10-11

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Jan 23, 2018 11:59 pm

Why do mice have such small balls?

Very few mice know how to dance.
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Brewdude

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Age : 65
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:27 pm

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We'd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers' lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder's monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of ageing. We can have archaic and eat it, too.


See 'ya later, alligator! Wink


Cheers,

RR
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ftrplt

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Age : 71
Location : Split between Raleigh, NC and OKC, OK
Registration date : 2007-12-15

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:06 pm

Man, you got more of them things than Adam had housecats!!!!! And that's the cat's meow!! Twenty-three skiddo!! Babe, you're the ginchiest!! I'm outta' here!! Razz Razz cheers FTRPLT
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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:33 pm

Cool, Daddy-o!
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