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 Todays chuckle

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Stick

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sun Mar 11, 2018 7:18 am

This occurred during a gameshow on Brit TV...

Host could see the contestant was pregnant so asked,

'What are you hoping for?'

Contestant, glancing nervously at her husband,

'That it's my husband's'.


Last edited by Stick on Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BriarPipeNYC



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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sun Mar 11, 2018 10:26 am

Old Burlesque skit....

Two gents are standing a a sidewalk, talking, when a beautiful blonde -sporting a huge, bouncing rack, in a low-cut blouse, tight skirt, walks by. One gent gets a load of those bodacious Ta-Tas, and his eyes pop out of their sockets. He elbows his friend and quickly scurries over to the blonde and whispers something insulting into the dame's ear. Infuriated, she spins around and faces the leering masher, and says ...."FRESH"!.... The masher remarks...."If it's fresh, I'll take some"! She slaps his face, and walks off, still bouncing.


Frank
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:07 am

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.



No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Iím reading a book about anti-gravity. I just canít put it down.

I didnít like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldnít control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPodís name to Titanic. Itís syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
† † † † † † † † † † † † †
and the winner was:
† † † † † † † † † † † †
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.


bom



Cheers,

RR

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Richard Burley

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Mar 24, 2018 1:36 am

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sun Mar 25, 2018 11:37 am

Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a
rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Apr 14, 2018 8:59 am

Murphy's other laws:


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Iím always late. My ancestors came over on the June Flower.

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?

The 50-50-90 rule. Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, thereís a 90% probability youíll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would try to pass them.

You canít have everything. Where would you put it?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If the shoe fits, get one for the other foot.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go to court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who werenít smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


rabbit


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Thu May 10, 2018 3:12 pm

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH


My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why." & "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

rabbit


Cheers,

RR



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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue May 15, 2018 8:08 pm

Some real "chestnuts" but a few clever groaners. †


1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


clown


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue May 15, 2018 11:49 pm

lol! jocolor
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed May 23, 2018 7:32 pm

The $15.00 Porsche


A fifteen-year-old teenager came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream;

"Where'd you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.... Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

Then apparently the secretary stole all his money and stranded him there!

Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. †So that's exactly what I did."


bom



Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat May 26, 2018 9:12 am

Grandpa and the IRS Auditor


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"


jocolor


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon May 28, 2018 8:46 pm

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. †Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. †I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. †The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

Wink


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue May 29, 2018 1:18 pm

Brewdude wrote:
A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. †Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. †I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. †The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

Wink


Cheers,

RR

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed May 30, 2018 8:34 pm

CRUMPLED MONEY


While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?Ē

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
† † † † † † † † † † † † † † † †
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?Ē

He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Check the garage."


bom


Cheers,

RR

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:37 pm

Another medical breakthrough!

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested. †Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. †The husband was still feeling fine. †The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. †The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. †She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.


jocolor


Cheers,

RR

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