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 Todays chuckle

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hobie1dog

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Age : 62
Location : Cornelius, NC
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:26 pm

I have been enjoying this thread.
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Ozark Wizard

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Aug 13, 2018 8:51 pm

As have I! cheers
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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:13 pm

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

P )


Cheers,

RR

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:27 pm

LEXIPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)
 
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
 
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
 
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
 
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
 
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
 
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
 
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
 
When chemists die, they barium.
 
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
 
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
 
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
 
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
 
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
 
Broken pencils are pointless.  

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
 
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
 
Velcro - what a rip off!
 
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.


5)


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Brewdude
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Oct 24, 2018 7:45 pm

THESE ARE "ACTUAL" QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
                   

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
                   
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."‎
                   
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
                   
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
                   
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
                   
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
                   
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
                   
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
                   
9)."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
                   
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
                   
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
                   
12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
                   
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
                   
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
                   
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
                   
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
                   
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
                   
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
                   
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
                   
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
                   
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
                   
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."
                   
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
                   
24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
                   
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
                   
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
                   
28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
                   
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
                   
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'.


rabbit


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Corncobcon

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Oct 24, 2018 8:24 pm

Funny stuff!

lol! lol! lol!
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GeoffC

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Fri Oct 26, 2018 11:47 am

I wouldn't recommend this to those with Tobacco Acquisition Disorder . . .

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Brewdude
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PostSubject: The Robot   Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:28 am

The Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

geek


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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History Prof 1861

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Location : Cincinnati Ohio
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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Nov 13, 2018 4:36 pm

That joke even got a chuckle from the wife...

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