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 Todays chuckle

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hobie1dog

hobie1dog

Age : 62
Location : Cornelius, NC
Registration date : 2010-06-21

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Aug 13, 2018 7:26 pm

I have been enjoying this thread.
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Ozark Wizard

Ozark Wizard

Age : 54
Location : Mark Twain National Forest, MO
Registration date : 2014-10-11

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Aug 13, 2018 8:51 pm

As have I! cheers
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Brewdude
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Brewdude

Age : 66
Location : Arid-zona
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Sep 19, 2018 12:13 pm

Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood. Thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat in and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

P )


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Brewdude
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Brewdude

Age : 66
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Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:27 pm

LEXIPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.)

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.


5)


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Brewdude
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Brewdude

Age : 66
Location : Arid-zona
Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Oct 24, 2018 7:45 pm

THESE ARE "ACTUAL" QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."‎

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9)."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus...144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat off 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'.


rabbit


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Corncobcon

Corncobcon

Age : 69
Location : From the prarie of KS. to Lake of the Ozarks, MO.
Registration date : 2017-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Wed Oct 24, 2018 8:24 pm

Funny stuff!

lol! lol! lol!
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GeoffC

GeoffC

Age : 52
Location : North Carolina
Registration date : 2011-10-23

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Fri Oct 26, 2018 11:47 am

I wouldn't recommend this to those with Tobacco Acquisition Disorder . . .

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Brewdude
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Brewdude

Age : 66
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PostSubject: The Robot   Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:28 am

The Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

geek


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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History Prof 1861

History Prof 1861

Age : 40
Location : Cincinnati Ohio
Registration date : 2016-10-16

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Tue Nov 13, 2018 4:36 pm

That joke even got a chuckle from the wife...

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Brewdude
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Brewdude

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Fri Nov 23, 2018 7:05 pm

Most of us over 45 were Home Schooled - in many ways


1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
I f you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4 My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why.

5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.

6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

7 My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.

8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!


Wink


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Brewdude
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Brewdude

Age : 66
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Registration date : 2011-05-04

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Jan 21, 2019 12:46 pm

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"

Then silence.

The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

affraid


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Corncobcon

Corncobcon

Age : 69
Location : From the prarie of KS. to Lake of the Ozarks, MO.
Registration date : 2017-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Mon Jan 21, 2019 8:46 pm

lol!

and they laugh at me for wearing brown shorts!
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Brewdude
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Brewdude

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PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sat Jan 26, 2019 7:45 pm

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them. A few follow:


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now Im not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.



bom


Cheers,

RR

_________________
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy" - Benjamin Franklin


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Ozark Wizard

Ozark Wizard

Age : 54
Location : Mark Twain National Forest, MO
Registration date : 2014-10-11

PostSubject: Re: Todays chuckle   Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:32 am

Sounds like Winston was a rather witty fellow!
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