A Pipe Writing Contest

[Kyle Weiss]

I like Vito's irrefutably correct and random sentiments (as opposed to politically correct, I guess)...

Kyle:

If I ever write anything that's "politically correct", please shoot me.

:joker:

Deal. 8)

 

[thefoolish]

As I sat at my desk, pretending to be an author, sipping my brandy, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching down the hall. After a brief pause, the sound of smashing wood could be heard. My door was receiving abuse of the worst sort, causing me to jump up and retreat to the opening of the fireplace, retrieving the poker in the hope it could provide a measure of protection. Splinters flew, and the remains of my fine oak door shattered to either side. A burly Canadian lumberman stood breathlessly, a pickaxe in his grasp. Up until now, my useless bulldog lay sleeping. Now he sat up, looking as though he had swallowed a billiard ball. The lumberman made short work of him, striking him with teh pickaxe. The bulldog exploded like a volcano, years of overeating and sloth finally exposed. As the lumberman raised his bloody weapon, I cowered behind my desk, poker at the ready to receive a certain deathblow. Hearing a strange chanting from the fireplace, I suddenly saw a naked Zulu warrior, horn in one hand, and a ukulele in the other, step in front of me to confront my tormentor. It was a Mexican standoff of sorts, and then all hell broke loose. I am uncertain who moved first, but they began circling, looking for weaknesses. The first casualty was my rare Rhodesion statue of a cavalier. Next, the bullmoose mount was torn from its place on the wall. Reaching into my vestpocket I pulled out a ball, squeezing it in a fit of nerves. A hawkbill was knocked from another mount, a stone egg spun on the floor, and an acorn bounced on my desktop. In the course of this bedlam, the window of my study began to rise, and I swear directly from Dublin, a churchwarden crawled through my window. He strolled across the room, fight in progress, receiving not a single scratch. He climbed upon my desk, cleared his throat, and said, "Gentlemen, this is not a bar in Liverpool, stop this ridiculous behavior at this moment or I will take a freehand." The lumberman and Zulu stopped and turned. The churchwarden stood, tapping a cherrywood staff on my desktop. "Could I have a wee dram," he asked me. I reached behind me and filled a tankard from a pot of some fine stout that I just happened to have close at hand. As he tipped it, the two other guests made their move, as did I. I was sick and tired of these uninvited intruders, but someone coming through my window was just wrong. I swept the feet of the churchwarden with my poker, and he fell as easily as an unbalanced skater. The Zulu then struck him with the ukulele, and the lumberman disemboweled him with the pickaxe. Then, they turned to me and the lumberman said, "We've been trying to get that old diplomat for years, here's a coupon for a blowfish dinner at Oom Paul's. Thank you.

Five hundred words exactly...

Good show, Lesath! Be sure to post it on the blog (pipeschool.blogspot.com) to enter the contest!

Also, a quick update: there are only a couple of days left in the contest, so be sure to post any entries you are working on soon to be entered!

Cheers

 

[thefoolish]

... knows what the judges will decide?

It's not knowable, Mike. In the end, the judges have to pick one to the exclusion of all others using totally subjective criteria. They're entitled to their opinions, of course, but the nature of the game is such that creating one winner automatically makes everyone else a "loser". Contests in general are not the kind of venue I'm inclined to use for release of creative works.

One should never enter such contests with any expectation of "winning". 'Tis best to create such entries for the sole pleasure of doing it. And posting the entries here at least rewards the authors with some appreciative feedback from the brethren.

:joker:

A brilliant analysis, but I am loathe for anyone to feel a loser. Just so everyone knows, I am planning a second, very similar, contest after the new year, so keep your eyes peeled and those creative muscles working!

 

[Kyle Weiss]

...and those creative muscles working!

...neurons? Pills? Whiskey? Funny mushrooms? Days of fasting? All of the above? Et cetera?

 

[thefoolish]

...and those creative muscles working!

...neurons? Pills? Whiskey? Funny mushrooms? Days of fasting? All of the above? Et cetera?

Whatever works for you! A combination of all of those things would surely result in some very interesting writing!

 

[Kyle Weiss]

...and those creative muscles working!

...neurons? Pills? Whiskey? Funny mushrooms? Days of fasting? All of the above? Et cetera?

Whatever works for you! A combination of all of those things would surely result in some very interesting writing!

...or for that matter, that mix AND me would result in some conceptually incomprehensible writing... Hunter S. Thompson I am not, nor do I need to be. 8)

 

[thefoolish]

...and those creative muscles working!

...neurons? Pills? Whiskey? Funny mushrooms? Days of fasting? All of the above? Et cetera?

Whatever works for you! A combination of all of those things would surely result in some very interesting writing!

...or for that matter, that mix AND me would result in some conceptually incomprehensible writing... Hunter S. Thompson I am not, nor do I need to be. 8)

Well, Hemingway was fond of his Champagne and Absinthe, a cocktail known as Death in the Afternoon. That seemed to inspire some good writing! Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Absinthe, but the point remains...

 

[Kyle Weiss]

Well, Hemingway was fond of his Champagne and Absinthe, a cocktail known as Death in the Afternoon. That seemed to inspire some good writing! Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Absinthe, but the point remains...

...when it comes to off-topicness, I'm the Devil. That's beside the point, though.

Interestingly, I have never had absinthe. All I know is Marylin Manson apparently crafts his own (hopefully not in a bathtub stained with eyeliner)--I've been wondering about the stuff. "Death in the Afternoon" must be the perfect antithesis to the cheery, brunch mimosa. I like the idea.

 

[thefoolish]

Just a reminder...only a couple of hours left!