A quick update

Brothers of Briar

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Christmas was...well it was awful, with a few nice spots thrown in. My mother has painted a picture in her emails and FB and blog posts that do not match at all what reality is. When my kids and I arrived on Christmas Eve I actually gasped when I walked in the door. My beautiful mother is gone, instead a stick figure with patches of gray shot through matted hair, and tired eyes greeted me. Her color is gone. Her fevers that according to her emails she was getting occasionally are actually constant. She spent most of the time on the couch with a thermometer sticking out of her mouth. She is exhausted and she is literally working to pay for her expensive treatments. Her insurance does not cover any of her alternative treatments. She is finding it harder and harder to work. She is past the point where she can travel, so I don't expect that I will see her down here in PA ever again. I assumed that we had a couple of years at least, but after this visit I am positive that I just spent the last Christmas I will ever have with my mom. And of course, through all of this, she maintains that she is going to get better, that she isn't in fact dying. It's incredibly sad and incredibly frustrating. It has made it impossible to connect with her to get some closure and say my good byes.

The good that came out of it was that I got to talk to my sister in law and she and I are on the exact same page in how we feel and she assures me that we are not alone. More people than mom is willing to admit see what's going on and are humoring mom and playing along. It was good to know that I'm not alone in watching all of this in horror and that there are others. We both agreed, sadly, that Dad is going to be hit hardest by this, he just doesn't see what's coming and tells everyone how well mom is doing. My mom's biggest dream was to travel to Italy, and she is beyond the point where that's possible. I know my dad, he's going to beat himself up forever for not taking her. They've talked about going all of these years and in fact mom's boss wanted to pay for she and dad to go to Italy as a thank you for 25+ years of work mom has done. This was a few months ago, while mom still could have done it. Mom asked her to put that money towards her alternative treatments instead.

I am beginning to think that it is just not possible for mom to grasp the situation. That her mind will simply not let her see it, sort of as a defense. My sister in law and brother bought her a beautiful charm necklace for Christmas and mom, my sister in law, my daughter and I were admiring it. I asked my sis in law what charms she picked out for it. She said mom's birthstone, a cross, a "mom" charm, a "nana" charm, and the blue colon cancer ribbon. Mom smiled at us and said, "When I'm cured can I take out the colon cancer ribbon?" There was a very long and uncomfortable pause before my sis in law said, "Of course mom."

I waited 10 days to hear from the bank before calling them this morning. I spoke with someone in HR who said she wasn't sure what was going on, but she'd call me back. They just called back to tell me that they are holding that position and aren't sure if or when they will hire for it, but when they do, I will still be in consideration. ::headdesk:: I have a phone interview with another bank next Friday and I'm sending out more resumes. I'm starting to panic. I need a job.
 
I got an email from mom last night that I followed up with a phone call. Her stomach is bloated and so she called her 'doctors'. They've ordered CT scans and more bloodwork, but they assure her it's just because her immune system is over stimulated. Myself, and four other family members googled "stomach bloating liver cancer" and within five minutes all five of us had the same information from five different reputable sites. The final stages of liver cancer, also known as liver failure. I know she'll never go back on chemo and I understand why, it's probably too late anyway. I just want her to go back to her oncologist so she can get some valid information. These idiots she's seeing are wasting her money and more importantly what little time she has left, by filling her head up with hope that she doesn't have. Charlatans!

I did get a chance to actually talk to her about things other than her doctors and it was nice. She's finally decided to go out on disability at the urging of her employer. So that's a relief to all of us. At least she can spend her days at home now, relaxing, and not worrying about working to pay for her "medicine". My dad works third shift so she'll be able to spend a bit more time with him and I'm glad because he's just as snowed as she is and this is going to blind side him when she goes. My sister in law and I are concerned about her being home alone at night while dad's at work and she said she'd gladly spend the night to keep an eye on mom. It's very hard being so far away, but at the same time, I know having my kids and I around all the time would just be more stress on her that she doesn't need right now.
 
This is my 2nd attempt at a reply, hopefully this one goes thru.

I'm not sure how I missed this thread but everytime I drive past Chambersburg, I wonder how you are doing. I'm sorry to hear the concerns and in particular regarding your Mom's health. I'll definitely keep you and her in my prayers. I'm in PA today and hoping to stop by Boswells for a bit later this afternoon.

My neighbor works at Citibank in Hagerstown. She has a bit of influence there and if you were interested, might be able to put in a recommendation for you. PM me if that is of interest.

I'll stayed tuned for better updates, keep your chin and mohawk up!
 
Have been pondering how to reply to this all day. I am truly distressed. I wish there was something, anything that I could say that would make this easier for you. I can't imagine the pain you feel. I lost my father to a heart attack at 52, 16 years ago and I still lose it at the oddest times over silly little things. Treasure what little time you have. I wish it were years more but I can understand her stopping chemo. I have been on chemo class drugs continuously for nearly 20 years now. It's miserable, you always feel bad. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you if you need us. Many shoulders make for a lighter load.

Best
Jim
 
I can't decide if my life is a soap opera or just Shakespearean at this point. Because I don't have enough on my plate already, last week or the week before, I don't know, it's all blurring together...anyway, I received an email from my stepmom (whom I'm incredibly close with) that on New Year's day, my dad sat her down and informed her that after 20+ years of marriage he had been having an affair for over six months, he didn't love her, hadn't loved her in years, and that just physically being around her was killing him. I'd like to say I was shocked and horrified, unfortunately, my dad has been married four times now and done this to every.single.one of his wives. I am beyond disgusted with his behavior. I told him a decade ago that my stepmom literally saved his life by getting him straightened out, otherwise he would have drank himself to death. I also told him if he screwed up this time I was done with him, and so I am. I love my stepmom dearly, and very soon she will be my only mom. Yay! More family drama.

My bio mom, was in the hospital this weekend where they drained 3 liters of fluid from her abdomen and gave her potassium pills because her potassium was dangerously low, then they sent her home to rest as there was nothing else they could do. She's already swelling up again, despite the two prescriptions she's on to take care of it. It's not good, we really have no idea how much longer we have with her. From my own research into liver failure, all of the above tells me mere weeks and to be perfectly honest, I hope so. I don't want her to suffer. She and my step dad still maintain that everything is alright. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever encountered in my entire life.

And then there's me. This is very hard for me to talk about, but every time I do share, I feel better. After a torturous past two months trying to find a job and a living scenario in which I could support myself and my three kids I have decided to swallow my pride and give my boys' father full custody. I am going to be the weekend parent. I was discussing my situation with an acquaintance recently and he kind of helped put my situation into perspective. I literally am not able to provide the life and stability to my two small boys right now that I want too. Their father can. Without going into a lot of things from my past, I have literally put myself last for the past 20 years and in doing so sacrificed myself right up to the point of it being detrimental to my family. I have been struggling for so long and I literally can not do this any longer. It's killing me. Society puts so much pressure on parents, mothers in particular, to live up to a certain standard and I just can't do it. I'm tired of being told how strong I am while I am literally working myself to death trying to reach this unattainable standard. Yes, I am strong, very strong, however I am also so far past my breaking point it's not funny anymore. So, on Feb. 1st my sweetie is coming over with a moving van and my daughter and I are moving in with him temporarily. My boys will be staying here with their father. (My oldest, the teenager is from a previous marriage and will be heading off to college next fall. She is my proof that when I am not stuck in impossible conditions, I am actually a kick ass parent.)

The area he lives in has so many more opportunities for both my daughter and myself. He's a bachelor knocking about in this huge 3 bedroom home. He said we can stay as long as we need for me to find a good job and a good place for she and I to live. Plus it's only 2 hours away from my boys. For the first time in my life, I will have a real fresh start and the ability to really get my feet under me by getting some schooling and job training. I will also be looking into some counseling, after this crap with my mom, and my dad being a complete idiot, and just well, the last 18 years, I really need to talk to someone.

Again, thanks for your continued support. You'd better believe in a few weeks you'll see more of me as I am trying to destress with a pipe.
 
Bummer, but hopefully something good comes from all of this. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care, and let me know if you need someone to chat with.
 
Hang in there BB. Wishing you all the best on your new start on life.
 
The move went well. And days after moving I came up to NY to spend some time with mom. It's going to be soon now. I'll be surprised if she makes it past February. This is all so hard and at the same time I treasure every moment in her presence. I have so many things going wrong in my life right now and at the same time, so many things that are starting to turn around and head in the right direction. This is all so terrifying.
 
Fr_Tom":o1twh5fk said:
Thanks for letting us know where things are. It sounds like a tough place to be. You continue to be in the prayers...
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Thanks Tom, it means a lot. It's so hard to see my beautiful mother this way. She keeps saying she just wants to go to sleep and wake up in Jesus' arms. I know she's ready. I'm not ready to give her up, but I'm ready for her suffering to end.
 
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