Funny stuff!
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
:lol!: :lol!: :lol!:
Todays chuckle
- Thread starter Brewdude
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I wouldn't recommend this to those with Tobacco Acquisition Disorder . . .
The Robot
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Cheers,
RR
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
Cheers,
RR
History Prof 1861
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That joke even got a chuckle from the wife...
Most of us over 45 were Home Schooled - in many ways
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
I f you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why.”
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Cheers,
RR
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
I f you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why.”
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Cheers,
RR
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"
Then silence.
The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
:affraid:
Cheers,
RR
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"
Then silence.
The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
:affraid:
Cheers,
RR
:lol!:
and they laugh at me for wearing brown shorts!
and they laugh at me for wearing brown shorts!
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them. A few follow:
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
:bom:
Cheers,
RR
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
:bom:
Cheers,
RR
Ozark Wizard
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Sounds like Winston was a rather witty fellow!
ST. PATRICK'S DAY GROANERS
Rim shots provided free of charge.
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus.
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered.
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Cheers,
RR
Rim shots provided free of charge.
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus.
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered.
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Cheers,
RR
History Prof 1861
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I’m really enjoying this thread
peanubutter
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Thanks for sharing. Funny stuff.
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<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/VKHFZBUTA4k" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>
In terms of books, he wrote a lot (I think I've read them all), but he probably wrote even more for newspapers and magazines (granted, some of that he also revised and published as books, esp. his early work as a war correspondent in India, the Sudan, and the Boer War). He didn't inherit much money, but he lived an extravagant lifestyle mostly supported by his writing.Stick":tj9cvidq said:
Geoff, that did indeed make me LOL! What a great sketch, and clearly shows a very young John Cleese and Graham Chapman prolly in the pre-Python days.GeoffC":guqz55ww said:
:cheers:
Cheers,
RR
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Yep pre-Python with Marty Feldman to boot!Brewdude":b6ndpa47 said:
Speaking of funny Yorkshire sketches-
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IJFq2jhgQT8" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>
Bonus points for anyone except Stick and myself who can correctly identify that green glop the stewardess is serving up!
Cheers,
RR
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/IJFq2jhgQT8" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>
Bonus points for anyone except Stick and myself who can correctly identify that green glop the stewardess is serving up!
Cheers,
RR
peanubutter
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Green glop = smashed peas? No idea other than that.
Actually they are called mushy peas. Very common side dish to a pork pie, often served with a spoonful of mint sauce. Very tasty it is too! Not the same kind of sweet green peas most are familiar with. Some feel they're yucky but I like them!peanubutter":cjnd69fv said:
Cheers,
RR