Todays chuckle

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Brewdude

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I'm glad I learned all about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles - not one canary there either!


;)



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RR
 

Blackhorse

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In Russia only one family in 7 can afford to buy a car.  And, of course there’s a mandatory ten year wait.  So you have to put the entire amount down upon order and then ten years later you get the car.

Well, one guy made all the arrangements necessary and went in to the sales agent’s office, paid his money and signed all the necessary paperwork.  So the agent says, “Congratulations Comrad, we’ll see you in ten years when you come back to get your car.”  With a straight face the guy says, “Morning or afternoon?”  The agent looks at him and says, “What does it matter, it’s ten years from now!”  The guy says, ”Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.”

(told by President Ronald Reagan)
 

Brewdude

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In view of the current situation a little levity is called for-

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/1Xiu-L0BYak" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>


:joker:


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RR
 

Brewdude

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Hey, let's just a second to lighten up a bit.....

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/DJZuZzU2Vsg" frameborder="0" loading="lazy" allowfullscreen ></iframe>

:geek:



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RR
 

Brewdude

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THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start
to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly
proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of O'golly Gee!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.
(The Hair-Wind Principal)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and
if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out
alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

:drunken:


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RR
 

ftrplt

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See above...All true!! Especially that part about spilling/dropping food at the worst possible time!! :p :p :p :cheers: FTRPLT
 

Brewdude

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)


:fpalm:


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RR
 

Brewdude

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CONUNDRUMS



AND OTHER ODD, NONSENSICAL, AND/OR MILDLY PHILOSOPHICAL STUFF:



· ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA......FLOOR.



· ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.



· IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?



· I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?"  SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.



· WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?



· IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?



· IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?



· IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?



· WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"



· WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?



· IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



· WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?



· WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS?  ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK IN AND CLEAN THEM?



· IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?



· CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?



· IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?



· WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?



· HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?



· WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?



· ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.



· DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?



· HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?



· IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?



· IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?



· IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?



· WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?



· WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?



· WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?



· WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?



· IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?



· CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?



· WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS READING, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY?'  THE DOGS CAN'T READ, AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND.


:mrgreen:


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RR
 

Brewdude

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A pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

:geek:


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RR
 

Brewdude

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Mahatma Gandhi, as everyone knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a
---ready?--- super-callused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

:fpalm:


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RR
 

Ozark Wizard

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Brewdude":lep69f0z said:
Mahatma Gandhi, as everyone knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet..  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a
---ready?--- super-callused  fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

:fpalm:


Cheers,

RR
:lol!:
 

Brewdude

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Subject: They Walk Among Us


I was at the checkout of a local Walmart.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and
knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.
I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us! .....

I walked into a Starbucks with a
buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at
a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'
"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said,
"so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us! .....

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends,
when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"
Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us! .....

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was north; because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East,
and has for sometime; she shook her head and said,
"Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!! .....

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked
what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open
24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us! .....

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us! .....

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed
that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought two cases.
The cashier multiplied two times 10%
and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us! .....

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area,
so I went to the lost luggage office and
told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because
she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....

They Walk Among Us! .....

While working at a pizza place, I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone, and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut into four pieces or six..
He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into four pieces.
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat six pieces."

Yep, they walk among us.... bless their hearts <img class="emojione" alt="?" title=":blush:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/png/1f60a.png?v=2.2.7"/><img class="emojione" alt="?" title=":blush:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/png/1f60a.png?v=2.2.7"/><img class="emojione" alt="?" title=":blush:" src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/emojione/assets/png/1f60a.png?v=2.2.7"/>


Cheers,

RR
 

Brewdude

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Signs of Humor


A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:

  We will heel you

    We will save your sole

      We will even dye for you.



A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:

    “Blind man driving”



Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

    "Dr. Jones, at your cervix”



In a Podiatrist's office:

  "Time wounds all heels.”



On a Septic Tank Truck :

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

  You've come to the right place.”



On a Plumber's truck :

"We repair what your husband fixed.”



On another Plumber's truck :

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”



At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout.”



On an Electrician's truck :

 "Let us remove your shorts”



In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and

 will take appropriate action.”



On a Maternity Room door :

     "Push. Push. Push.”



At a Car Dealership :

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”



Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming”



In a Veterinarian's waiting room :

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”



At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

        However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”



In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”



In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

  "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”



At a Propane Filling Station:

 "Thank Heaven for little grills.”



In a Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak.”




:geek:


Cheers,

RR
 

Brewdude

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It had gone in one ear and out the udder.


:D


Cheers,

RR
 

Ranger107

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Only one I remember from an Air Force officers quiz.
A plane takes off from NY bound for Toronto. Half the passengers are American, half Canadian. The plane crashes into Niagra Falls. In which country do they bury the survivors?
 

Blackhorse

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re the 35 things we didn’t know:

I DID know that Mr. Rogers was a pastor/minister...Presbyterian as I recall.

The One Day Dragonfly thing? Not so! Note: An adult dragonfly will live approximately several months, depending on the quality of the weather. They may live as long as six months provided the weather is dry and warm. However, in cold weather, adults will not live for longer than several weeks.
 

Ranger107

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Another one I remembered yesterday. How many bricks does it take to complete a 3 story building that is 300 x 300 ft. square and 65 ft high?

Answer: 1 lol
 
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