Todays chuckle

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Brewdude

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Irish Confession:


"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.


"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses


"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


When the priest came in, I said to him,'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'


He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."


==============================


Stanley phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'


'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.


'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'


======================================


AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."


With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"


As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"


She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.


The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"


The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."


MORAL OF THE STORY:


Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.


But all men...are men.

=========================


Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "Well wait now, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


======================================


My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?


================================


Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'


'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?.


==============================================


A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "Well if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


======================================================


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.


Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


==============================================


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'


=====================================================


Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning,

I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.



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Cheers,

RR






 

Brewdude

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Q&A ABOUT RETIREMENT

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why do retirees often say they don't miss work, but miss the people they used to work with?
Answer: They are too polite to tell the whole truth.

>>Today's Thot

A bald man got a great deal on a wig today - only $1! It was a small price toupee.


😛


Cheers,

RR
 

Brewdude

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The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.


Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.


Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.


“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later.”


Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.


Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupe melons and no one asks, "What the Hell is wrong with you?"


When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.


Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield


When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.


Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”


Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.


Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.


If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.


“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".


I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.


Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?


I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. Today’s 3 year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.


Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.


So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill.

:p



Cheers,

RR
 
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