- May 4, 2011
- Reaction score
"I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
"Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses
"On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him,'Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.'
He replied, "Patrick, you moron, you're on my side."
Stanley phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO:
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men...are men.
Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
Mick says, "Well wait now, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?.
A tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "Well if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning,
I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.