mejoshee
Well-known member
- Joined
- May 31, 2013
- Messages
- 1,027
- Reaction score
- 1
I promise this isn't a troll. I've been wanting to do this and I think it's time I put it out there.
It's not a vent or a complaint, just sorta telling it like it is and how I've felt throughout recent events. Sorry about the long post, but I hope through this you get to know me a little better. I think of this forum as a better community than I have at work or even with some friends, though I haven't met any in person (yet). I appreciate it if you read this at all, let alone the whole thing. Comments are appreciated, but not necessary.
Anyway, here goes:
For the last couple years I'd been hoping my wife and I could have a baby. We've been married now 4 1/2 years, though I'd wanted to start sooner. She was more focused on her career up until this past year and there were some life milestones that we sort of used to push things out a bit. She's a nurse and the nursing system in our state has somehow seen a glut, despite what we've repeatedly been told about needing more nurses.
I have no problem with women's career prioritization. I recognize that it's hard sometimes for a guy to fully appreciate the sacrifice a woman has to make physically, emotionally, and vocationally to bear a child. I wanted to be helpful and supportive to whatever she was hoping to accomplish "before the baby comes", as they say. My mom went on "permanent maternity" leave after my sister was born until we were in middle school, so I see that this is definitely a full-time commitment.
We'd been using birth control (IUD) up until earlier this year. Following our trip to Europe a year ago, she had it removed. Then it was a matter of waiting and timing. I didn't realize it was going to be so much about waiting after growing up being warned how easily one could get pregnant. Finally in August we were pretty confident we were, so she got a blood test and scheduled an appointment to follow up with the results. We were! But, the ultrasound results were a little bit off, a little early by the doctor's estimation. We had to come back in 2 weeks.
Fast forward a bit and we'd told our families and some close friends to keep them in the loop of what we were estimating was about 5-7 weeks in. I left early that day from work to make it to the appointment. Going into the check up that afternoon I think we were both pretty positive and not really expecting anything out of the ordinary, but it turns out the size of the embryo had really not increased all that much, still estimating at 6 weeks or less. No heartbeat. I know my heart dropped as it began to register, but then I also realized how much quicker my wife's reaction had been. She burst into tears and squeezed my hand.
Perhaps this is the maternal instinct, but it certainly seemed to confirm the trouble we'd had with trying to pick out some good name options, trying to imagine a boy or girl, what he/she would look like. These were all mysteries to us and we were simply waiting and hoping for a clearer projection of an ultrasound to truly settle on who they might be. But, it wasn't meant to be I guess. It was a miscarriage.
The things people don't tell you right off the bat when you start trying is the high frequency of miscarriages. Of course not; that's putting the cart before the horse. It's not as easy as it seems. It's something like 20% of pregnancies are miscarriages, but statistics don't matter when you're emotionally invested in something. You look at that number and say "it's not gonna be me. It can't be."
My wife and I went home and cried the rest of the afternoon together in an odd sort of listlessness. Thoughts of what could have been swirling around--no first words, sports, days at school, little giggling. It was all quite much and made me feel like nothing else mattered any more. I tried to be strong for my wife too, but I felt more like we were just leaning on each other in a heap rather than in a strong mutual embrace. I'm an internal processor of thoughts and emotions, I don't deny that. But I also wanted to be present with her. I just didn't know what to do or think or feel. What is there to feel?
I went back to work the next day. She stayed home. She was told to take the pills for pain that the doctor gave her if necessary and if the miscarriage moved along on its own. Otherwise, she could use the pills that induced that. Not really given much thought put into pro-life vs. pro-choice as a personal stance until then, so I think I was a little surprised that she did end up taking the pills right away. I can understand she saw from a medical and practical perspective no point in carrying on with an unviable embryo. I still don't know how I really feel about it, but I'm not interested in a political/ethical discussion. At a personal level, I think I was a little disappointed I didn't have a more delineated mourning time. I don't resent her for it, but I think it's just another thing on top of the pile of helplessness I'd felt from the previous day at the doctor's.
We checked in with each other the next couple days, but didn't tell our family or friends until the following Monday. It seemed like such a short time had passed between when we had told them all and when we were forced to retract that all. Another 2 weeks went by and we didn't really talk about it. Life still moved on at its own rapid pace and we got caught up in weekend get togethers and the like. I think the hardest part for me was feeling like I didn't get the support I wanted. Our friends (especially the women) were were rapid in their support response. It was really great to see my wife was cared for. I don't know what to expect really as guys sorta just shrug and say "that sucks dude" and continue to sit in silence. So, here I am finally speaking up about what I've felt and been going through.
It's now been over a month and I honestly still don't know what to do in terms of grieving. I realize that's not all that much time. It's a single tick in a lifetime, but I just feel sort of stuck. I feel like the cruelest torture is the unaware yet incessant questions like "So, when are you going to have kids?" and "Are you trying to have kids yet?" This is of course a common expectation for people our age. It's just the burden to bear I suppose. I try to react with patience and civility, though it seems right now "not yet; soon" is all I can muster without choking up.
I'm not depressed per se, but I just feel uninspired and pretty low right now. I want to try again; it's all that we have to be able to move on from this painful time, but it's the waiting that we're uncomfortable with. We have no control over the monthly cycle and frequency. Unlike the way we view things as a society, you can't just pave it over and start fresh the next day. It really is a physical healing time, not just emotional.
This is where I'm at now. I want to keep going with life, to try again, but with a more sobered mind about the possibilities out there. I don't wish this on anyone no matter what age and whether you've had kids or not yet. But I have this hope in a greater plan. I feel like now is my chance to show and share the inner joy & peace I have despite the pain. Your prayers and advice are appreciated and I hope to have better news in the future, but I submit myself to the will of the One who is in control.
Thanks for your time and attention.
It's not a vent or a complaint, just sorta telling it like it is and how I've felt throughout recent events. Sorry about the long post, but I hope through this you get to know me a little better. I think of this forum as a better community than I have at work or even with some friends, though I haven't met any in person (yet). I appreciate it if you read this at all, let alone the whole thing. Comments are appreciated, but not necessary.
Anyway, here goes:
For the last couple years I'd been hoping my wife and I could have a baby. We've been married now 4 1/2 years, though I'd wanted to start sooner. She was more focused on her career up until this past year and there were some life milestones that we sort of used to push things out a bit. She's a nurse and the nursing system in our state has somehow seen a glut, despite what we've repeatedly been told about needing more nurses.
I have no problem with women's career prioritization. I recognize that it's hard sometimes for a guy to fully appreciate the sacrifice a woman has to make physically, emotionally, and vocationally to bear a child. I wanted to be helpful and supportive to whatever she was hoping to accomplish "before the baby comes", as they say. My mom went on "permanent maternity" leave after my sister was born until we were in middle school, so I see that this is definitely a full-time commitment.
We'd been using birth control (IUD) up until earlier this year. Following our trip to Europe a year ago, she had it removed. Then it was a matter of waiting and timing. I didn't realize it was going to be so much about waiting after growing up being warned how easily one could get pregnant. Finally in August we were pretty confident we were, so she got a blood test and scheduled an appointment to follow up with the results. We were! But, the ultrasound results were a little bit off, a little early by the doctor's estimation. We had to come back in 2 weeks.
Fast forward a bit and we'd told our families and some close friends to keep them in the loop of what we were estimating was about 5-7 weeks in. I left early that day from work to make it to the appointment. Going into the check up that afternoon I think we were both pretty positive and not really expecting anything out of the ordinary, but it turns out the size of the embryo had really not increased all that much, still estimating at 6 weeks or less. No heartbeat. I know my heart dropped as it began to register, but then I also realized how much quicker my wife's reaction had been. She burst into tears and squeezed my hand.
Perhaps this is the maternal instinct, but it certainly seemed to confirm the trouble we'd had with trying to pick out some good name options, trying to imagine a boy or girl, what he/she would look like. These were all mysteries to us and we were simply waiting and hoping for a clearer projection of an ultrasound to truly settle on who they might be. But, it wasn't meant to be I guess. It was a miscarriage.
The things people don't tell you right off the bat when you start trying is the high frequency of miscarriages. Of course not; that's putting the cart before the horse. It's not as easy as it seems. It's something like 20% of pregnancies are miscarriages, but statistics don't matter when you're emotionally invested in something. You look at that number and say "it's not gonna be me. It can't be."
My wife and I went home and cried the rest of the afternoon together in an odd sort of listlessness. Thoughts of what could have been swirling around--no first words, sports, days at school, little giggling. It was all quite much and made me feel like nothing else mattered any more. I tried to be strong for my wife too, but I felt more like we were just leaning on each other in a heap rather than in a strong mutual embrace. I'm an internal processor of thoughts and emotions, I don't deny that. But I also wanted to be present with her. I just didn't know what to do or think or feel. What is there to feel?
I went back to work the next day. She stayed home. She was told to take the pills for pain that the doctor gave her if necessary and if the miscarriage moved along on its own. Otherwise, she could use the pills that induced that. Not really given much thought put into pro-life vs. pro-choice as a personal stance until then, so I think I was a little surprised that she did end up taking the pills right away. I can understand she saw from a medical and practical perspective no point in carrying on with an unviable embryo. I still don't know how I really feel about it, but I'm not interested in a political/ethical discussion. At a personal level, I think I was a little disappointed I didn't have a more delineated mourning time. I don't resent her for it, but I think it's just another thing on top of the pile of helplessness I'd felt from the previous day at the doctor's.
We checked in with each other the next couple days, but didn't tell our family or friends until the following Monday. It seemed like such a short time had passed between when we had told them all and when we were forced to retract that all. Another 2 weeks went by and we didn't really talk about it. Life still moved on at its own rapid pace and we got caught up in weekend get togethers and the like. I think the hardest part for me was feeling like I didn't get the support I wanted. Our friends (especially the women) were were rapid in their support response. It was really great to see my wife was cared for. I don't know what to expect really as guys sorta just shrug and say "that sucks dude" and continue to sit in silence. So, here I am finally speaking up about what I've felt and been going through.
It's now been over a month and I honestly still don't know what to do in terms of grieving. I realize that's not all that much time. It's a single tick in a lifetime, but I just feel sort of stuck. I feel like the cruelest torture is the unaware yet incessant questions like "So, when are you going to have kids?" and "Are you trying to have kids yet?" This is of course a common expectation for people our age. It's just the burden to bear I suppose. I try to react with patience and civility, though it seems right now "not yet; soon" is all I can muster without choking up.
I'm not depressed per se, but I just feel uninspired and pretty low right now. I want to try again; it's all that we have to be able to move on from this painful time, but it's the waiting that we're uncomfortable with. We have no control over the monthly cycle and frequency. Unlike the way we view things as a society, you can't just pave it over and start fresh the next day. It really is a physical healing time, not just emotional.
This is where I'm at now. I want to keep going with life, to try again, but with a more sobered mind about the possibilities out there. I don't wish this on anyone no matter what age and whether you've had kids or not yet. But I have this hope in a greater plan. I feel like now is my chance to show and share the inner joy & peace I have despite the pain. Your prayers and advice are appreciated and I hope to have better news in the future, but I submit myself to the will of the One who is in control.
Thanks for your time and attention.