Early on in school, I was one of those fat kids that the other kids loved to pick on unmercifully. One evening my mother's father picked me up from school and I was crying because of the teasing. He taught me something that later caused a few fights... but, shut most of them up!! He taught me to say, "I may be fat... but, you're ugly! And, at least I can diet... if I want to!!!
Something done quickly used to be done in "six shakes of a sheep's tail!"
Something done slowly was done "slower'n molasses on the First of January!"
When my neighbor sees a really cute puppy, she says, "He's/She's cuter than Hell!"
When someone says something you didn't want to hear, "If I want any shit out of you, I'll pull your chain!" Or, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!"
"You're so dumb/stupid/ugly that we'd have all been much better off if they'd have kept the afterbirth and pitched the baby!"
"Good gawd-a-mighty... she's so ugly her maw had to hang a pork chop around her neck to get the hounds to play with her!"
Upon seeing something extremely huge, "Dad gum... that's almost big enough to plug my ex-wife's ass!"
When asked for a cigarette, "You want me to kick you in the ass to get it started?"
When asked for a cigarette and a light, "You want me to smoke the damn thing for you too?"
Way back before it was against the law to smoke in businesses, we had a barber who chewed, but couldn't stand the smell of smoke. He had a sign that hung on his mirror that said, "I see that you smoke... I warn you, I chew... If you don't smoke on me... I won't spit on you!!"
