Todays chuckle

Brothers of Briar

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I've pulled that stunt in the past but never with fake blood. It's very funny the first few times but when you realise you've just washed another complete bottle of shower gel down the plug hole it wears a little thin. I don't think I took it to the lengths in the video either. He looked like one distressed camper. Still funny though!

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks? “Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band. It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.



I needed a good laugh today, thanks :cheers: :lol!:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine. When he saw two
men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver
to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there
eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."



Very good, I needed that!! Oh do I have a few good lawyer jokes.

So, what's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One's a fish and the other is a " scum sucking bottom dweller "!!!

I don't know how many of these are true, but they are interesting.  Often times, there are several different versions of how these expressions came into the language......

1. WHY?
Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by
the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.  

Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right. And that's where women's buttons have remained since.

2. WHY?
Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?

This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and it is
pronounced, approximately, 'mayday'.

3. WHY?
Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?

In France, where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard
looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf', which is French for 'the egg'. When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans mispronounced it to 'love'.

4. WHY?
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

5. WHY?
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck'?


In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from
player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.

6. WHY?
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

In earlier times, it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

7. WHY?
Why are people in the public eye said to be in the limelight'?

Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a
cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the center of attention.

8. WHY?
Why is someone, who is feeling great, 'on cloud nine'?

Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine
being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

9. WHY?
In golf, where did the term 'caddie' come from?

When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scottish game 'golf'. He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.

Mary liked this a lot and, when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is
pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into caddie.

10. WHY?
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars
became known as 'pygg banks'.  When an English potter misunderstood
the word, he   made a container that resembled a pig and it caught on.


A grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighborhood of New Orleans
known as the "Back of Town". His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.

Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and, with three other kids, he
sang in the streets of New Orleans. Their first gains were coins that were thrown to them.

A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA,
had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving 'work' in the house to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family's home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.

When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and
Jewish songs.

Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys
gave him money to buy his first musical instrument, as was the custom in the Jewish families.

They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses.

The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who
had adopted him in 1907. In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned "how to live real life and determination".
You might recognize his name.  This little boy was called: Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong. Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish and "Satchmo" is Yiddish for "Big Cheeks"!


BD, these were very cool. Thanks for posting them. :afro:
Idle Thoughts of One Retiree's Wandering Mind

       I had amnesia once -- or twice.

       Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

       I am neither for nor against apathy.

       All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

       If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

       What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

       They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

       Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

       Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

       One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

       My weight is perfect for my height ... which varies.

       I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

       The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

       How can there be self-help groups?

       Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you
       a man who can't get his pants off.

       Is it just me, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"


Rande, today's chuckle...very good. When it comes to children you can get a good laugh from their questions, sometimes it amazes me what comes out of their mouth. Thanks for posting, well appreciated.

Thanks for posting this Rande. These tidbits of humour are appreciated more than anyone could imagine. :)


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?



Think you know everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5 A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back on the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

21 Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand you know everything.



OLI and SVEN go fishing

So one day, Oli and Sven decide ta go fishin'. Dey go out onna boat and get tere lines inna watter.

Alla sudden Oli sez "I gonna smoke me a ceegar". So he takes out a ceegar an' den he proceeds ta bring out a 12" Bic lighter! Oli lights him ta ceegar, an' Sven he can't believe what he jus' seen!

Sven, he say "Oli, I canna believe my eyz - where you get da big Bic lighter???"

Oli sez "Oh ja, I got it from da Genie of da lamp. All ya gotta do is ta rub da lamp, and da Genie he give ya any wish hey"!

Sven, he tinks about this and sez - "Ja, Oli. So how can I get ta Genie to grant me a wish"?

Oli sez - "OK, so take ta lamp. U rub it, and ta Genie he pop out. And den you make a wish. Da Genie he grant you anyting hey".

So Sven, he grab ta lamp and rub it, and lo and behold out pops ta Genie! An' ta Genie he say "what is your wish and command master"?

Sven, he tink about this a minute. And den he sez- "I wish for a million bucks".

Ta Genie, he winks and gives Sven ta thumbs up gesture. And den he pops back into ta lamp.

Sven, he rubbing his hands together in anticipation of ta million bucks - when alla sudden ta sky is blackened despite it being in ta middle of ta day!

Oli and Sven look up into the sky and find a MILLION DUCKS flying right to their fishing spot!!!

Sven, he sez "Uff da Oli, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!!"

Oli, he sez - "Oh Ja I forget to tell ya. Ta genie, he's a little hard of hearin' hey. You really tink I wished for a 12" Bic?"..............

:joker:  :geek:  :sunny: