Todays chuckle

Brothers of Briar

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About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry." A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right. Hubba-hubba! We'd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or lovers' lane. Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumpin' Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and wordscape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water and an organ grinder's monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone? Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians. Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks! You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Cooties. Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters! It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of ageing. We can have archaic and eat it, too.

See 'ya later, alligator! ;)


Man, you got more of them things than Adam had housecats!!!!! And that's the cat's meow!! Twenty-three skiddo!! Babe, you're the ginchiest!! I'm outta' here!! :p :p :cheers: FTRPLT
I went to the doctor the other day.

She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald's.

My wife wanted to know why I went there.

I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries.

She made me an appointment with a hearing doctor.....


Today's Thought......

Judging by the obituary notices, nobody mean and unhappy ever dies.



Brewdude":0i14lxhg said:
Today's Thought......

Judging by the obituary notices, nobody mean and unhappy ever dies.

Sure they do, but everyone's too busy celebrating to write the obit!

English sign in German cafe: "Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating"

On a scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people"

On a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin"

On the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet"

At a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges"

In a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels"

On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog"

Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action"

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push"

Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive"

Muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"



Ah, those were the days my friends.....


1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, printed out, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now, that way you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one song from your favorite album and that's it, I really mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that...

10. Listen to the rest of the album.

11. Rearrange all of your books into alphabetical order.

12. Call your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

15. Check the guide to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot, even if he wasn't watching.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's memory book from home. Ask who everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly-sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

27. Type the paper on your laptop. Spell check.

28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that stupid term paper.



The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle!




Linda and Susan of Oklahoma Fame

Linda and Susan are filling up at a petrol station and Linda says to Susan, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher." Susan replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
One day, Linda’s husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Linda, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda and Susan were walking down the road and Susan said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" Then Linda covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that Susan had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
Susan" she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Susan. Therefore, Linda bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Susan," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 rolls leftover!" "Yes," said Susan "So did I."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Linda bought two horses and could never remember which was which. Susan suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Linda was stuck again. Susan then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, Linda couldn't tell the two horses apart. Susan then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, Linda very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Susan’s interview:
The executive was interviewing Susan for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" Susan quickly responded “The live one”.

I guess if Minnesota can have Sven and Ole as their fall guys, Oklahoma is entitled to have their "fall gals" too!!  :drunken:


OK BD, Watch out with the Okie jokes:p . Our hired assasins will show up with their bows and arrows...and peace pipes!! :) :) :cheers: FTRPLT
This occurred during a gameshow on Brit TV...

Host could see the contestant was pregnant so asked,

'What are you hoping for?'

Contestant, glancing nervously at her husband,

'That it's my husband's'.
Old Burlesque skit....

Two gents are standing a a sidewalk, talking, when a beautiful blonde -sporting a huge, bouncing rack, in a low-cut blouse, tight skirt, walks by. One gent gets a load of those bodacious Ta-Tas, and his eyes pop out of their sockets. He elbows his friend and quickly scurries over to the blonde and whispers something insulting into the dame's ear. Infuriated, she spins around and faces the leering masher, and says ...."FRESH"!.... The masher remarks...."If it's fresh, I'll take some"! She slaps his face, and walks off, still bouncing.

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
and the winner was:
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.



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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a
rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."


Murphy's other laws:

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

I’m always late. My ancestors came over on the June Flower.

How deep would the ocean be without sponges?

The 50-50-90 rule. Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would try to pass them.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If the shoe fits, get one for the other foot.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go to court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.




My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why." & "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"




Some real "chestnuts" but a few clever groaners.  

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



The $15.00 Porsche

A fifteen-year-old teenager came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream;

"Where'd you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy.... Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

Then apparently the secretary stole all his money and stranded him there!

Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money.  So that's exactly what I did."